Montone - The Lash

[Admiral]

So you'd recommend going with that scene I described, then having Montone look back at the non-fighting people and seeing their fear and unwillingness to act before he leaves, would be best?

(I know that the above sentence is horribly constructed but... meh)

[Nosedagger]

Originally Posted by Admiral

So you'd recommend going with that scene I described, then having Montone look back at the non-fighting people and seeing their fear and unwillingness to act before he leaves, would be best?

(I know that the above sentence is horribly constructed but... meh)

As long as Montone makes a bigger, deeper choice that shows more of him, whatever plot device you want to use.

[Admiral]

Well there's where I come to a problem. There isn't anything more to him. He's a slave who knows absolutely nothing of freedom, but when given the opportunity to leave, takes it. He is not especially close to anyone, does not ponder his fate. My goals for him are all on the surface level. Partly because I just want a figurehead to live out each adventure and partly because I don't think that I can create characters that have depth.

[Ailysa]

Originally Posted by Admiral

Ailysa, I didn't mean as a book. Specifically, I'm looking at Clockwork Phoenix, which is a compilation of stories that will be accepting anything up to 10,000 words between August and January. I'm at around 6,500 words there, and if accepted will be paid about $130 up front, and then more depending on royalties.

It may just be wishful thinking, but this story fits the criteria, so it doesn't hurt to submit it. I ask for criticism in hopes of polishing it/fixing the grammar, word usage, run-ons, etc. before I submit it.

In any case, thank you for reading.

Clockwork Pheonix? =o

Is that only for America or wherever you come from?

And when you say August to January, you mean this August to next year's January?

[Nosedagger]

Originally Posted by Admiral

Well there's where I come to a problem. There isn't anything more to him. He's a slave who knows absolutely nothing of freedom, but when given the opportunity to leave, takes it. He is not especially close to anyone, does not ponder his fate. My goals for him are all on the surface level. Partly because I just want a figurehead to live out each adventure and partly because I don't think that I can create characters that have depth.

Eh, some characters have got to have depth. Every writer's got to learn how to create interesting people. If Montone isn't suited for depth, then develop the people around him; but then you have also said that you can't create deep characters well. I guess you'll have to push forward on a different strong point. Your descriptive and pacing is quite likable.

[Admiral]

I changed the ending. I have an italicized "edit" placed in there to mark where I began making changes. I think that this adds at least a little bit of depth to Montone, a reason for him to flee, and a more satisfying ending. What do you think?

[Nosedagger]

I can't say I have anything better. ^__^

But Stanel sure ran fast. To the capital and back? Perhaps you should change it to a barracks or Markish base close by in the area.

[Admiral]

Aye, good idea. In my head the capital makes sense, since the temple's being built on the outskirts of the city, but it won't to others. I'll switch it to barracks. I've done some further refinement, but made no major changes.

As for the ending... is it better? Actually enjoyable/makes sense?

[Experiment]

haha tht was good

[queendiablo]

haha your banner is good