A saga of a hero Chapt. 1

J-son Lok · 11-21-2005, 09:27 AM

A foot stepped into the village, no, it was not only one foot.
A group of military men marched into the village with emotionless faces. Their every step stirred up the dust on the ground.
‘No, no! Please no!’ Regardless to the villagers’ cries, the soldiers set fire all over the houses. A man with a goatee stepped out of the soldiers, he must be the leader of that squad. ‘ Next time, it won’t be houses we’re burning,’ the man shouted to the crowd. ‘Keep holding up the taxes and you’ll find out what we’ll burn next.’
‘Look,’ An old man argued. ‘The tax rate is too high! How are we suppose to……’ The squad leader didn’t hear anymore, ‘This, is none of my concern. Let’s move out, men!’ The soldiers stopped destroying the village and return to formation, started to march away with their rifles in their hands. The old man did not give up. He dragged one of the soldiers by his hand and continued to argue.
The soldier dropped his rifle. He pushed the old man onto the ground. A pistol’s barrel was pointing right at the old man’s head.
‘Enough! Back to formation!’ The goatee man commanded. The soldier put away his gun. He kicked the old man hardly, again, and again even harder. Then he turned back to pick up his rifle.
Suddenly, a silvery blade shone in the mid-air. ‘Ahrgg!’ The soldier fell onto his knees. His eyes were still and motionless, filled with fear and surprise. A handle of a dagger was revealed on the soldier’s back as he fell onto the ground. Everyone was looking at the soldier, with their mouths wide opened. The goatee man grew very anxious. ‘Load the weapons, all of you! Scatter and search! Who dares to kill my man! Who?’

Dethus · 11-30-2005, 07:18 AM

Only things I can see wrong with it are a few grammar errors like:

Quote:

the soldiers set fire all over the houses

It should read "the soldiers set fire to the houses"

Also:

Quote:

He kicked the old man hardly, again, and again even harder.

Should read "He kicked the old man again, hard, and then again, even harder."

Other than that, I like it

J-son Lok · 11-30-2005, 07:42 AM

Sorry, no up dates at this moment. Working on the Battle Arena. Besides, I don't know what will happen next.
But a new version of chapter one with minor modifications thanks to Dethus. It really look better in this way.

A foot stepped into the village, no, it was not only one foot.
A group of military men marched into the village with emotionless faces. Their every step stirred up the dust on the ground.
‘No, no! Please no!’ Regardless to the villagers’ cries, the soldiers set fire to the houses. A man with a goatee stepped out of the soldiers, he must be the leader of that squad. ‘ Next time, it won’t be houses we’re burning,’ the man shouted to the crowd. ‘Keep holding up the taxes and you’ll find out what we’ll burn next.’
‘Look,’ An old man argued. ‘The tax rate is too high! How are we suppose to……’ The squad leader didn’t hear anymore, ‘This, is none of my concern. Let’s move out, men!’ The soldiers stopped destroying the village and return to formation, started to march away with their rifles in their hands. The old man did not give up. He dragged one of the soldiers by his hand and continued to argue.
The soldier dropped his rifle. He pushed the old man onto the ground. A pistol’s barrel was pointing right at the old man’s head.
‘Enough! Back to formation!’ The goatee man commanded. The soldier put away his gun. He kicked the old man again, hard, and then again, even harder. Then he turned back to pick up his rifle.
Suddenly, a silvery blade shone in the mid-air. ‘Ahrgg!’ The soldier fell onto his knees. His eyes were still and motionless, filled with fear and surprise. A handle of a dagger was revealed on the soldier’s back as he fell onto the ground. Everyone was looking at the soldier, with their mouths wide opened. The goatee man grew very anxious. ‘Load the weapons, all of you! Scatter and search! Who dares to kill my man! Who?’

Dethus · 12-01-2005, 07:04 AM

No problem dude, glad to help.

It does look much better, can't wait to read chapter 2. B)

J-son Lok · 12-01-2005, 08:14 AM

The soldiers scatter around the village. A soldier walked by a burning house. He heard a child’s cry deep in the heat of the flame. He simply ignored it because there was something more serious than that in hand.
A grenade suddenly came out of no where. The soldier tried to run, but only smoke came out of the little cylinder, spinning rapidly on the ground. The soldier quickly fired randomly at the cloud of smoke, knowing that someone was in there. But he was wrong, it was a terrible mistake to make. A white pale face rose behind the soldier. Just when the poor man was searching for extra clips on his belt, a metallic hand covered his mouth. The soldier suddenly knew what was it all about, but it was too late.
Two soldiers heard the gunfire. They ran to the spot where once a soldier stood. But now only a dead body with its neck cut opened was left. A shadow burst out of a burning house and landed on the ground. It was holding a child, injured by the fire, but being saved just in time. The two soldiers looked surprised, but even more surprise to see, the white pale face. The shadowy being dropped the child and covered his body with his cape, dashed over to the two soldiers. Swiftly they were stunned as soon as the cape reveals two shiny daggers.
He took the soldier’s rifle; the stunned soldier took out his pistol. Several gunfire was heard during their struggle, but no one was hit. When the other soldier got up, the white-faced man starred at him and pointed the rifle at him. The soldier fled away quickly, back to the goatee leader.
‘One KIA, and one injured at the moment, sir.’ The soldier could hardly breath when he said those words.
‘There must be a whole group of them.’ The goatee man replied with no emotions. But inside his mind he was shivering.
Then three shots rang out. It was clearly heard that it was the sound of a rifle.
‘Sorry sir, I mean two KIA at the moment.’

karnage · 12-01-2005, 08:23 AM

ur a singaporean? "kia" means a person in hokkien, example "gniao kia" which means selfish person :huh:

**_Zephyre_** · 12-01-2005, 09:52 AM

I sense cheese.

Dethus · 12-01-2005, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by karnage@Dec 1 2005, 01:23 PM
ur a singaporean? "kia" means a person in hokkien, example "gniao kia" which means selfish person :huh:

He's using KIA as Killed In Action (hence KIA)

:P

J-son Lok · 12-02-2005, 05:25 AM

1. I'm not Singaporian.
2. Yes, those poor men were killed in action.
3. Loads of homework, up date later.

~~vethor~~ · 12-03-2005, 12:29 AM

It wasn't bad, except for the obvious typos and grammar junk.
Someday I'm going to write something and post it on here but I just haven't been inspired.
I take that back I'm just lazy.

karnage · 12-03-2005, 06:41 AM

oh ok sry for misunderstanding

J-son Lok · 12-04-2005, 07:53 AM

End of chapter one, sorta. But I'll still use this article for future updates (dispite its name).

‘Retreat to base. I know who he is, we stand no chance against him.’ The leader of the soldiers commanded.
Soon the soldiers were back in formation. They marched out of the village, carrying dead bodies and wounded soldiers. After the soldiers were all gone, the man with a white mask came out. He carried the wounded child to the crowd of villagers. A woman dug her way out of the crowd and took the child. ‘Thank you, unnamed hero, thank you’ Said the woman with her eyes filled with gratitude. ‘You won’t thank me if you’ve seen my face.’ The white mask turned away, and gone he went.
‘So he’s back.’ A fat man said.
‘Yes, I’m sure it’s him, Mr. Governor.’ Said the goatee man, with his helmet held in front of his chest. ‘And he’s turning against us, saving the citizens.’
‘That man has caused us enough trouble 2 years ago. I don’t want to deal with him again.’ The governor said, covering his face with one hand, then he looked up. ‘You can kill him, can you? You are the only one who has dealt with him, Lieutenant Fin.’
‘I was nearly killed by him when I first met him.’ Fin refused.
‘2.5% of the tax goes secretly into your pocket, right? I’ll make it 3%.’ The governor could see Fin still didn’t want to take the risk. ‘3.3%, that’s maximum.’ Then the governor put a block of bank notes onto Fin’s hand. ‘Alright, I’ll do it.’ He hadn’t decided yet, but the notes were shining like gold. ‘I’ll hunt him down.’

P.S. To Karnage: Never mind, no big deal.

Dethus · 12-04-2005, 12:38 PM

Heres a few changes for you:

Quote:

Thank you, unnamed hero, thank you’ Said the woman with her eyes filled with gratitude.

Wouldn't this be better:

" 'Thank you, stranger, thank you!' weeped the woman, tears of gratitude streaming from her eyes."

Also put something in to show the scene is changing to a different place. I always put "* * *" on a new line, as it shows you have changed the scene to a different place.

Other than that, it's pretty good

J-son Lok · 12-05-2005, 09:05 AM

Second edition of the end of this chapter. Again, thanks to Dethus.

‘Retreat to base. I know who he is, we stand no chance against him.’ The leader of the soldiers commanded.
Soon the soldiers were back in formation. They marched out of the village, carrying dead bodies and wounded soldiers. After the soldiers were all gone, the man with a white mask came out. He carried the wounded child to the crowd of villagers. A woman dug her way out of the crowd and took the child. 'Thank you, stranger, thank you!' weeped the woman, tears of gratitude streaming from her eyes. ‘You won’t thank me if you’ve seen my face.’ The white mask turned ane he went.
Back in the Town Hall.
‘So he’s back.’ A fat man said.
‘Yes, I’m sure it’s him, Mr. Governor.’ Said the goatee man, with his helmet held in front of his chest. ‘And he’s turning against us, saving the citizens.’
‘That man has caused us enough trouble 2 years ago. I don’t want to deal with him again.’ The governor said, covering his face with one hand, then he looked up. ‘You can kill him, can you? You are the only one who has dealt with him, Lieutenant Fin.’
‘I was nearly killed by him when I first met him.’ Fin refused.
‘2.5% of the tax goes secretly into your pocket, right? I’ll make it 3%.’ The governor could see Fin still didn’t want to take the risk. ‘3.3%, that’s maximum.’ Then the governor put a block of bank notes onto Fin’s hand. ‘Alright, I’ll do it.’ He hadn’t decided yet, but the notes were shining like gold. ‘I’ll hunt him down.’

J-son Lok · 12-05-2005, 09:08 AM

As soon as I find out how to post drawings, I'll post the White Mask(whatever he's called) in his 'crime-fighting' outfit .

11-21-2005, 09:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
J-son Lok Gunzfactor Fan Artist Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 114	A saga of a hero Chapt. 1 A foot stepped into the village, no, it was not only one foot. A group of military men marched into the village with emotionless faces. Their every step stirred up the dust on the ground. ‘No, no! Please no!’ Regardless to the villagers’ cries, the soldiers set fire all over the houses. A man with a goatee stepped out of the soldiers, he must be the leader of that squad. ‘ Next time, it won’t be houses we’re burning,’ the man shouted to the crowd. ‘Keep holding up the taxes and you’ll find out what we’ll burn next.’ ‘Look,’ An old man argued. ‘The tax rate is too high! How are we suppose to……’ The squad leader didn’t hear anymore, ‘This, is none of my concern. Let’s move out, men!’ The soldiers stopped destroying the village and return to formation, started to march away with their rifles in their hands. The old man did not give up. He dragged one of the soldiers by his hand and continued to argue. The soldier dropped his rifle. He pushed the old man onto the ground. A pistol’s barrel was pointing right at the old man’s head. ‘Enough! Back to formation!’ The goatee man commanded. The soldier put away his gun. He kicked the old man hardly, again, and again even harder. Then he turned back to pick up his rifle. Suddenly, a silvery blade shone in the mid-air. ‘Ahrgg!’ The soldier fell onto his knees. His eyes were still and motionless, filled with fear and surprise. A handle of a dagger was revealed on the soldier’s back as he fell onto the ground. Everyone was looking at the soldier, with their mouths wide opened. The goatee man grew very anxious. ‘Load the weapons, all of you! Scatter and search! Who dares to kill my man! Who?’

12-01-2005, 07:04 AM	#4 (permalink)
Dethus Gunzfactorian Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: In the UK Posts: 128	No problem dude, glad to help. It does look much better, can't wait to read chapter 2. B) __________________ Hallejuah, Lock & Load

12-01-2005, 08:23 AM	#6 (permalink)
karnage Gunzfactorian Guardian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: My computer Posts: 1,110	ur a singaporean? "kia" means a person in hokkien, example "gniao kia" which means selfish person :huh: __________________ Which character are you test by Naruto - Kun.com

12-01-2005, 09:52 AM	#7 (permalink)
_Zephyre_ [zeh-fahyuhr] Resigned Super Moderator Golden Gunzfactorian Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Malaysian Peninsula Posts: 6,462 _Zephyre_'s GamerBio	I sense cheese. __________________ CLANDESTINE

12-03-2005, 06:41 AM	#11 (permalink)
karnage Gunzfactorian Guardian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: My computer Posts: 1,110	oh ok sry for misunderstanding __________________ Which character are you test by Naruto - Kun.com

11-30-2005, 07:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
J-son Lok Gunzfactor Fan Artist Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 114	Sorry, no up dates at this moment. Working on the Battle Arena. Besides, I don't know what will happen next. But a new version of chapter one with minor modifications thanks to Dethus. It really look better in this way. A foot stepped into the village, no, it was not only one foot. A group of military men marched into the village with emotionless faces. Their every step stirred up the dust on the ground. ‘No, no! Please no!’ Regardless to the villagers’ cries, the soldiers set fire to the houses. A man with a goatee stepped out of the soldiers, he must be the leader of that squad. ‘ Next time, it won’t be houses we’re burning,’ the man shouted to the crowd. ‘Keep holding up the taxes and you’ll find out what we’ll burn next.’ ‘Look,’ An old man argued. ‘The tax rate is too high! How are we suppose to……’ The squad leader didn’t hear anymore, ‘This, is none of my concern. Let’s move out, men!’ The soldiers stopped destroying the village and return to formation, started to march away with their rifles in their hands. The old man did not give up. He dragged one of the soldiers by his hand and continued to argue. The soldier dropped his rifle. He pushed the old man onto the ground. A pistol’s barrel was pointing right at the old man’s head. ‘Enough! Back to formation!’ The goatee man commanded. The soldier put away his gun. He kicked the old man again, hard, and then again, even harder. Then he turned back to pick up his rifle. Suddenly, a silvery blade shone in the mid-air. ‘Ahrgg!’ The soldier fell onto his knees. His eyes were still and motionless, filled with fear and surprise. A handle of a dagger was revealed on the soldier’s back as he fell onto the ground. Everyone was looking at the soldier, with their mouths wide opened. The goatee man grew very anxious. ‘Load the weapons, all of you! Scatter and search! Who dares to kill my man! Who?’

12-01-2005, 08:14 AM	#5 (permalink)
J-son Lok Gunzfactor Fan Artist Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 114	The soldiers scatter around the village. A soldier walked by a burning house. He heard a child’s cry deep in the heat of the flame. He simply ignored it because there was something more serious than that in hand. A grenade suddenly came out of no where. The soldier tried to run, but only smoke came out of the little cylinder, spinning rapidly on the ground. The soldier quickly fired randomly at the cloud of smoke, knowing that someone was in there. But he was wrong, it was a terrible mistake to make. A white pale face rose behind the soldier. Just when the poor man was searching for extra clips on his belt, a metallic hand covered his mouth. The soldier suddenly knew what was it all about, but it was too late. Two soldiers heard the gunfire. They ran to the spot where once a soldier stood. But now only a dead body with its neck cut opened was left. A shadow burst out of a burning house and landed on the ground. It was holding a child, injured by the fire, but being saved just in time. The two soldiers looked surprised, but even more surprise to see, the white pale face. The shadowy being dropped the child and covered his body with his cape, dashed over to the two soldiers. Swiftly they were stunned as soon as the cape reveals two shiny daggers. He took the soldier’s rifle; the stunned soldier took out his pistol. Several gunfire was heard during their struggle, but no one was hit. When the other soldier got up, the white-faced man starred at him and pointed the rifle at him. The soldier fled away quickly, back to the goatee leader. ‘One KIA, and one injured at the moment, sir.’ The soldier could hardly breath when he said those words. ‘There must be a whole group of them.’ The goatee man replied with no emotions. But inside his mind he was shivering. Then three shots rang out. It was clearly heard that it was the sound of a rifle. ‘Sorry sir, I mean two KIA at the moment.’

12-02-2005, 05:25 AM	#9 (permalink)
J-son Lok Gunzfactor Fan Artist Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 114	1. I'm not Singaporian. 2. Yes, those poor men were killed in action. 3. Loads of homework, up date later.

12-03-2005, 12:29 AM	#10 (permalink)
~~vethor~~ Banned Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Poland Posts: 1,916 vethor's GamerBio	It wasn't bad, except for the obvious typos and grammar junk. Someday I'm going to write something and post it on here but I just haven't been inspired. I take that back I'm just lazy.

12-04-2005, 07:53 AM	#12 (permalink)
J-son Lok Gunzfactor Fan Artist Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 114	End of chapter one, sorta. But I'll still use this article for future updates (dispite its name). ‘Retreat to base. I know who he is, we stand no chance against him.’ The leader of the soldiers commanded. Soon the soldiers were back in formation. They marched out of the village, carrying dead bodies and wounded soldiers. After the soldiers were all gone, the man with a white mask came out. He carried the wounded child to the crowd of villagers. A woman dug her way out of the crowd and took the child. ‘Thank you, unnamed hero, thank you’ Said the woman with her eyes filled with gratitude. ‘You won’t thank me if you’ve seen my face.’ The white mask turned away, and gone he went. ‘So he’s back.’ A fat man said. ‘Yes, I’m sure it’s him, Mr. Governor.’ Said the goatee man, with his helmet held in front of his chest. ‘And he’s turning against us, saving the citizens.’ ‘That man has caused us enough trouble 2 years ago. I don’t want to deal with him again.’ The governor said, covering his face with one hand, then he looked up. ‘You can kill him, can you? You are the only one who has dealt with him, Lieutenant Fin.’ ‘I was nearly killed by him when I first met him.’ Fin refused. ‘2.5% of the tax goes secretly into your pocket, right? I’ll make it 3%.’ The governor could see Fin still didn’t want to take the risk. ‘3.3%, that’s maximum.’ Then the governor put a block of bank notes onto Fin’s hand. ‘Alright, I’ll do it.’ He hadn’t decided yet, but the notes were shining like gold. ‘I’ll hunt him down.’ P.S. To Karnage: Never mind, no big deal.

12-05-2005, 09:05 AM	#14 (permalink)
J-son Lok Gunzfactor Fan Artist Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 114	Second edition of the end of this chapter. Again, thanks to Dethus. ‘Retreat to base. I know who he is, we stand no chance against him.’ The leader of the soldiers commanded. Soon the soldiers were back in formation. They marched out of the village, carrying dead bodies and wounded soldiers. After the soldiers were all gone, the man with a white mask came out. He carried the wounded child to the crowd of villagers. A woman dug her way out of the crowd and took the child. 'Thank you, stranger, thank you!' weeped the woman, tears of gratitude streaming from her eyes. ‘You won’t thank me if you’ve seen my face.’ The white mask turned ane he went. Back in the Town Hall. ‘So he’s back.’ A fat man said. ‘Yes, I’m sure it’s him, Mr. Governor.’ Said the goatee man, with his helmet held in front of his chest. ‘And he’s turning against us, saving the citizens.’ ‘That man has caused us enough trouble 2 years ago. I don’t want to deal with him again.’ The governor said, covering his face with one hand, then he looked up. ‘You can kill him, can you? You are the only one who has dealt with him, Lieutenant Fin.’ ‘I was nearly killed by him when I first met him.’ Fin refused. ‘2.5% of the tax goes secretly into your pocket, right? I’ll make it 3%.’ The governor could see Fin still didn’t want to take the risk. ‘3.3%, that’s maximum.’ Then the governor put a block of bank notes onto Fin’s hand. ‘Alright, I’ll do it.’ He hadn’t decided yet, but the notes were shining like gold. ‘I’ll hunt him down.’

12-05-2005, 09:08 AM	#15 (permalink)
J-son Lok Gunzfactor Fan Artist Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 114	As soon as I find out how to post drawings, I'll post the White Mask(whatever he's called) in his 'crime-fighting' outfit .