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Old 06-27-2008, 05:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The transfer student- Chapter 5

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Chapter 5: Relations

It was Friday afternoon. Trueworth academy stopped obligatory classes at Thursday, due to students going out on Thursday in order to keep time free on Sunday to finish their work for Monday. The system was odd, but it worked, and it meant that classes became a matter of choice or ability. If you could choose to get up, then you could come to class.
The boys’ common room was filled with the smell of sweat and beer, as well as being filled with students. Most were passed out on a couch, except for one person who had fallen asleep underneath one. One of the boys grunted and fell off the couch, quite coincidentally landing on the “Play” button of the stereo installation.

The entire room shook awake as a scream echoed through the room, followed by a heavy guitar and drums. A loud thump underneath the couch was followed by a groan and some heavy swearing.
‘In the name of everything God-ridden and hell-bent, who turned on the music?’ Joneth said, slowly getting up and rubbing the side of his head. He looked underneath the couch and picked up his hat. It was slightly dusty, and it had a beer bottle on the inside. It was still full.
‘Sorry. I must’ve dropped on the remote.’ A voice came from behind the couch. Now that Joneth had been awakened, he wished he hadn’t. A hangover, he thought, should be renamed to something more serious. His head felt like it was split in two with an axe, and his tongue felt like someone had ridden over it with a fuzzy bicycle.
The music, on the other hand, was good. He’d never heard it before, but it caught his interest.

As the room began to wake up, a symphony of groans and moaning, Joneth walked among the ravages of the previous night. Big O’ had passed out in the middle of a pile of beer bottles. The sight was too good to let slip, so Joneth took a quick snap with his cell phone before walking over to O’Conner. He needed a quick shake and a slap before finally waking up and realizing Joneth was not, in fact, a hot supermodel willing to make out with him.
‘Snap out of it, O’Connor.’ Joneth said, massaging the back of his hand.
‘M’name’s Bill. Bill O’Connor.’ The drunken Bill muttered, trying to get up and failing.
‘Right-o, Billy. No need to get up for me. Just tell me what band’s on the stereo at the moment.’
Bill raised his head off the floor for a second and listened. He then fell back, and muttered “Avenged Sevenfold” before rolling over and throwing up.
‘Oh, come on O’Conner, not again!’ Harry said, still in the same position he was in last night, except that he had a girl in his right hand rather than a beer.

Joneth made a mental note to get some of the music of Avenged Sevenfold, as he made his way through the drunken and hung-over masses. It sounded pretty angry and raw, but there was a charm in there. He could imagine them singing of death and murder whilst sipping wine and reading a good book. Sweet god, he thought, I make them look like cartoon villains.
He decided to take a day off from social interactions. It was good for his image to sometimes be that distant guy who likes some alone time. Apparently, it was mysterious. Besides, he had been using what mind space currently not occupied with being hung over to think a bit.
Jesse liked being alone as well. However, for her this was easier than for Joneth. Therefore, she would be somewhere where you could be alone whilst being surrounded with people. The only two places, then, would be the library or the cafeteria. Considering her love for literature, the choice was narrowed down to one.

The library was dusty and deserted, like any good library on a Friday. Books sat unread in their shelves, looking almost sadly at the few people who browsed through them. One of these people was Jesse. She was moving through the English Literature section systematically, like a robot categorizing an entire archive case. Joneth moved behind her, deciding on a sneak approach in case of her ninja-ing here way out of the library.
It was the term he’d given her for escaping social situations. Like a ninja, she could be there one second and be gone the next. She’d have to know the school’s layout by heart, and possibly wear a pair of suction shoes to walk on the ceiling, but it worked for her.

‘You can talk to me now.’ Jesse said dryly, selecting a book and walking over to a deserted reading table.
‘How’d you know I was there?’ Joneth asked, sitting down in admittance of defeat.
‘You breathe, you walk on shoes, and your hat casts a 12 o’clock shadow that a blind man could see.’ Jesse answered simply.
Joneth tapped the hat. It was an automatism, and he’d have to learn not to do it some day. It seemed egoistic at times.
‘Anyway, I don’t think you crawled from your drunken stupor just to sit in a library, so tell me what this is going to be about.’
‘You. Again.’ Joneth said, realizing that Jesse was controlling this conversation now.
‘White girl, good-looking, working class parents, no siblings, no history of abuse and a psychopathic disorder that sent three psychiatrists to the loony farm so far.’

And there she went again. The way she could state a life story in a few sentences, as though all information was trivial. Still, it helped if you knew some psychology, and there had been a small pause between “no siblings” and “no history of abuse.” Joneth was smart enough to note it, and also smart enough not to press on it. He’d have to use it later, if possible.
‘Is it my turn now?’ He asked innocently, looking at the cover of her book. Jesse nodded, silently.
‘Cool. My name is Tirian Poppeldosen, I am forty-three years old and suffer from incurable alcoholism. I like girls in the age group of ten to fifteen, and I wear long overcoats which can hide my enormous-‘
‘- nice try.’ Jesse cut him off, sighing. In a second of silence, she produced a small notebook. It was black, and it had a rose on the cover. She flipped through it and began reading.

‘Joneth van Izen. Born June 25th, in your parents’ home. No brothers or sisters, but a father and a mother who made a sport of spoiling you. You lived your first years in your enormous mansion, attended a private school, got expelled three times and eventually kicked altogether. You skipped several years, but made up for repeating one year in the same row because you switched schools constantly. Your ability to quickly make friends rivals only your ability for mischievous pranks, as well as your talent in creative arts. You live in the centre of attention, having always been one since your birth. You excel in classes, you hate solitude, and you have had more girlfriends than the average movie star. And, this afternoon, you have a date with Jennifer. The merry-go-whore.’

The last words were a muffled cough, but clear enough to be heard. Joneth raised a smile, confusing Jesse. She had been expecting surprise, confusion, or anger. Instead, Joneth took her notebook and wrote down another few lines. Once he had finished, he returned it to her, still smiling. She read, slightly hesitant.
‘Lying, cheating bastard with no sense of morality. Treats people as servants because he was always used to doing so. Always hunts for a specific girl in each school, and yearns after me now. Is also as socially adaptable as a chameleon in a rainbow. Top hat contains useful items for everyday purposes.’

She put down the book, and looked at Joneth with a look that could only be described as being “vaguely interested.”
‘Everyday purposes, huh? Such as?’ She asked, pointing at the top hat.
‘Nothing special. Let me work my magic.’ Joneth said, taking off the hat and reaching in like a stage magician.
‘One music player, filled with personal favourites.’ Joneth said grotesquely, as he pulled out a small, black music player. He proceeded to pick a selection of the items in his hat, like opening a can of beans onto a plate.
‘A series of pens, ranging from mini to fun-size. A pack of paper, a packet of chewing gum, a cell phone, a calculator, a pair of folding glasses without glass, a knife that supposedly was once used to cut my wrists, a shark tooth, a deodorant spray, a small statue and a 9-inch...’
Joneth said, before being caught by a sneeze. He sniffed, and looked at the items.

The last item had rolled onto the table with appropriate silence, and stopped against Jesse’s notebook. She eyed it with some suspicion, and then picked it up.
‘Not for personal use, I presume?’ She asked, turning the thing in her hand
‘I don’t swing that way. Though it is considerably kinky.’
‘You tell me. Not used, I see.’
‘Want to change that?’ Joneth asked playfully.
‘Maybe later.’ Jesse answered, noting something down in her notebook.
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Old 06-27-2008, 05:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The transfer student- Chapter 5

Joneth looked at the clock, and turned back to Jesse. Then, he looked at the clock again.
‘Is that clock right?’ He asked.
‘No, they always keep the clocks here inaccurate, because books can’t stand time. Of course they’re accurate. This is a library. Where the obssessive nerds hang out.’ Jesse said sarcastically.
‘Crap! My date with Jennifer started three minutes ago. I’ll see you later!’ Joneth said, scurrying his items together and running off.
‘I’m sure we will.’ Jesse said, addressing empty space. ‘By the way, you can come out now.’
Another girl crawled out from underneath the table. She had apparently been there the entire time.

‘Address Jesse... Hi!’ The girl said, first speaking to herself before addressing Jesse.
‘You know, you could’ve just remained seated. I’m sure Joneth would find you interesting.’
‘Answer according to emotions and previous experiences... I wouldn’t be able to contain myself. I can’t protect myself from his smile, it seems.’ The girl answered, taking a seat next to Jesse.
‘It’s a good thing I’m guiding that OCD of yours towards something useful, at least.’ Jesse sighed, and browsed through her notebook. ‘I want you to follow Joneth on his date. Stay out of sight, that’s what you’re good at. Tell me everything he says, does or doesn’t do tonight.’
‘Affirm reception of instructions and promise to perform formentioned instructions... Sure, Jesse. I’ll go follow him right now!’

The girl walked off, constantly mumbling to herself. Jesse closed her notebook and put it back in her pocket. She then opened her book again and started reading. Behind her, the clock was being re-adjusted for the daily loss of a second.

Joneth raced through the halls. Cunningly, he made his way through the groups of students. First, he grabbed a rose from a courting couple as he passed them (followed by applause, because a stylish thief is still stylish), and then proceeded to step on something that rolled. He looked down, and saw that he’d stepped on a skateboard. He built up speed, grinded down the staircase, gathered even more speed and jumped over a student that was lying outside, once again hearing the applause. The skateboard shot out from under him, and he landed on all fours, the skateboard flying on to meet a trashcan.

By the rules of beautfifully performed actions, Joneth was now standing next to Jennifer, who was wide-eyed with awe and surprise. Joneth got up and handed her the rose.
‘For you, my flower. May your beauty never fade as this rose.’ Joneth said, unleashing the artistic spirit inside him.
‘Thanks.’ Jennifer said meekly. ‘That was... quite the entrance you made there.’
‘That? ‘Twas nothing. You should’ve seen me crash that helicopter with a motorcycle.’ Joneth said calmly.
‘Yes. Yes, I should have.’ Jennifer said, still wide-eyed. ‘Anyway, I assume you have something planned for us?’
‘Indeed. If you would follow me...’
Joneth and Jennifer walked off. Behind them, a head looked around a corner and noted something down, all the whilst muttering.

Joneth held Jennifer’s hand as they walked over the school campus. Regaling her with tales of glory and heroic actions, Joneth realized that she was a tad gullible. He could make the story with the trashcans stick, but he couldn’t convince her that he’d once blown every window out of a classroom with a single drop of chemicals.
‘... And then the guy grabs me, and tries to strangle me. So, I kicked him in the sides, and I swear to you, I broke his ribs without even trying.’ Joneth the martial-arts master said.
‘Wow. You are so... different, Joneth. So adventurous, so dangerous. I can see why everyone likes you.’ Jennifer said, clinging tightly to Joneth’s arm.
‘Not everyone.’ Joneth muttered under his breath.

Soon, the couple had reached a lookout point. Each school had one, in Joneth’s experience. And though it was always meant as a place to sit and enjoy the view, students more frequently used it as a place to hold their romantic evenings. Joneth had already made “arrangements” to ensure that he and Jennifer would be alone tonight. It had helped that he knew the strongest and most feared guys in the school, and word had spreak quickly.
Joneth guided Jennifer to an empty bench. It had been adorned with roses for this occasion (courtesy of the Emo corner, though Joneth had hidden the poem they’d written.)

Joneth sat himself next to Jennifer, who snuck close to him, closing her eyes and sighing. Joneth enjoyed for a moment, before remembering who he was really after. It was always hard to concentrate when a cute girl falls into your lap, but he had to stay focused. After all, Jesse would take much more than this to conquer. He needed to keep Jennifer as a friend, and he needed to do so quick. Unfortunately, Jennifer was already on her way to make their relationship official.

‘Joneth?’ She asked, softly and tenderly.
‘Yes, Jennifer?’ He replied, trying to be as cool as possible.
‘I... I can’t shake the thought that... I... we feel something for each other. I like you. I really do. And I just want to make sure that you like me.’

Joneth’s mind entangled itself. How could he let it get this far? Had he lost his edge? If so, where and how? How could he actually let her corner him like this? He’d have to wriggle out of this, right here and now. He had limited options, so he opted for the most plausible way: Wing it, and hope that it all works out.

‘I... I wished I could say the same, Jennifer. I really do.’ Joneth said, immediately breaking Jennifer’s dream. She sat up, her eyes filled with shock.
‘You don’t mean-?’
‘I don’t feel the same, Jennifer. I am sorry. It’s just that...’ And here, Joneth’s mind blanked. It was such an unfortunate time to blank out. It left her open for all kinds of assumptions. And, as usual with insecure girls, they tended to try them all in one go.

‘What, Joneth? Is it my face? My body? Am I too fat? Too thin? Is my hair too frizzy, too sleak or too much? Is it the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I breathe? Is it my nose? Is it my emotional problem that I trust people too quickly? Is it because I smell, or because I don’t smell? Or-‘ Jennifer said, tears welling up in her eyes.

‘It’s because you like me.’ Joneth said, his mind suddenly shifting gear. Yes, he thought. Now, he could see the rest of the conversation rolling before him.
‘Because I... like you?’ Jennifer sniffed, wiping a tear from her eye.
‘Yes. You see, I have this emotional problem. I can’t connect closely to people. And if someone feels close to me, I hate to shatter their hopes.’ Joneth lied, putting on a great performance.
‘Oh... you poor man. It must be really hard, not being able to love someone.’ Jennifer said, turning from angry lover to comforting friend in a single second.
‘Yes... my psychiatrist tells me that the only hope for me is to hope that I will find my one true love one day. I hope that will be soon. But, unfortunately, I do not feel so with you. I have felt that way, though. Only once... but you don’t want to hear about that.’ Joneth said, waving the subject away.

She caught the bait, and hooked onto it.
‘You did? With who, Joneth? Tell me. I want to help you. I want to see you happy.’ Jennifer said. Joneth looked into her teary eyes. Ye gods, she actually was a “Happily-ever-after” kind of girl. She’d be an easy catch for anyone with a working voice.
‘I can’t tell. You wouldn’t like what you hear.’ Joneth said, slowly turning away. Again, she took the bait.
‘No! Tell me, please. I swear that I’ll help you. I don’t care who it is. Just tell me, please.’
‘All right.’ Joneth sighed, turning to Jennifer. Now, all he had left was the final blow.
‘Do you promise to help me? Knowing that it’d take me away from you forever?’
‘Yes, Joneth! Yes! I just want to help you... regardless of the cost.’
‘All right. My soul mate... my one and only true love... Is Jesse.’

Jennifer fell silent. All she said in a few minutes times was “Oh.” Joneth awaited her reaction as some internal battle took place. It took quite a while, but eventually Jennifer turned to Joneth.
‘I did promise, didn’t I?’ She asked meekly.
‘Yes. A heart-felt promise.’ Joneth answered, his mind cheering with joy.
‘All right. I don’t know how anyone could possible feel attracted to that block of ice with nails, but if you truly feel that way about her...’ Joneth nodded, reassuring her that he did, ‘... Then I’ll help. I promise you that I’ll help you win Jesse. Despite my hatred for her, and my love for you, I will help you. You have my word.’
Joneth sighed with great relief, and smiled. His acting couldn’t have been better. He was sure that he actually looked saddened and relieved.
‘That’s great! Now, let’s just watch the sun set, shall we? As friends?’
‘Sure, Joneth.’ Jennifer said, leaning against Joneth.
‘Call me Jon.’

And, from the bushes behind them, a figure wrote furiously, all the while muttering in a non-audible tone. As Joneth and Jennifer waved goodbye to one another, the unknown figure made its way through the bushes, avoiding the branches in a strange, systematic way.
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Old 06-28-2008, 12:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The transfer student- Chapter 5

Sextastic!
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Old 06-30-2008, 11:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The transfer student- Chapter 5

Now that's the best chapter out of every one so far! It has again, very good ways to surprise readers, but yet looking much more realistic (compared to the time he caught all the pencils hurled at him). The pace is currently very good.

Haha, looks like Jesse has a little spy to help keep watch over Jon XD
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Old 06-30-2008, 07:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The transfer student- Chapter 5

wow i really dont c how jon and jesse u kno work... if i were jon i would of gone for jennifer but still ur writing is as great as ever cant w8 to c what happens when jesse hears from her spy/friend/whatever
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Old 07-22-2008, 10:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: The transfer student- Chapter 5

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wixern View Post
Joneth held Jennifer’s hand as they walked over the school campus. Regaling her with tales of glory and heroic actions, Joneth realized that she was a tad gullible. He could make the story with the trashcans stick, but he couldn’t convince her that he’d once blown every window out of a classroom with a single drop of chemicals.
‘... And then the guy grabs me, and tries to strangle me. So, I kicked him in the sides, and I swear to you, I broke his ribs without even trying.’ Joneth the martial-arts master said.
‘Wow. You are so... different, Joneth. So adventurous, so dangerous. I can see why everyone likes you.’ Jennifer said, clinging tightly to Joneth’s arm.
‘Not everyone.’ Joneth muttered under his breath.

Soon, the couple had reached a lookout point. Each school had one, in Joneth’s experience. And though it was always meant as a place to sit and enjoy the view, students more frequently used it as a place to hold their romantic evenings. Joneth had already made “arrangements” to ensure that he and Jennifer would be alone tonight. It had helped that he knew the strongest and most feared guys in the school, and word had spreak quickly.
Joneth guided Jennifer to an empty bench. It had been adorned with roses for this occasion (courtesy of the Emo corner, though Joneth had hidden the poem they’d written.)

Joneth sat himself next to Jennifer, who snuck close to him, closing her eyes and sighing. Joneth enjoyed for a moment, before remembering who he was really after. It was always hard to concentrate when a cute girl falls into your lap, but he had to stay focused. After all, Jesse would take much more than this to conquer. He needed to keep Jennifer as a friend, and he needed to do so quick. Unfortunately, Jennifer was already on her way to make their relationship official.

‘Joneth?’ She asked, softly and tenderly.
‘Yes, Jennifer?’ He replied, trying to be as cool as possible.
‘I... I can’t shake the thought that... I... we feel something for each other. I like you. I really do. And I just want to make sure that you like me.’

Joneth’s mind entangled itself. How could he let it get this far? Had he lost his edge? If so, where and how? How could he actually let her corner him like this? He’d have to wriggle out of this, right here and now. He had limited options, so he opted for the most plausible way: Wing it, and hope that it all works out.

‘I... I wished I could say the same, Jennifer. I really do.’ Joneth said, immediately breaking Jennifer’s dream. She sat up, her eyes filled with shock.
‘You don’t mean-?’
‘I don’t feel the same, Jennifer. I am sorry. It’s just that...’ And here, Joneth’s mind blanked. It was such an unfortunate time to blank out. It left her open for all kinds of assumptions. And, as usual with insecure girls, they tended to try them all in one go.

‘What, Joneth? Is it my face? My body? Am I too fat? Too thin? Is my hair too frizzy, too sleak or too much? Is it the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I breathe? Is it my nose? Is it my emotional problem that I trust people too quickly? Is it because I smell, or because I don’t smell? Or-‘ Jennifer said, tears welling up in her eyes.

‘It’s because you like me.’ Joneth said, his mind suddenly shifting gear. Yes, he thought. Now, he could see the rest of the conversation rolling before him.
‘Because I... like you?’ Jennifer sniffed, wiping a tear from her eye.
‘Yes. You see, I have this emotional problem. I can’t connect closely to people. And if someone feels close to me, I hate to shatter their hopes.’ Joneth lied, putting on a great performance.
‘Oh... you poor man. It must be really hard, not being able to love someone.’ Jennifer said, turning from angry lover to comforting friend in a single second.
‘Yes... my psychiatrist tells me that the only hope for me is to hope that I will find my one true love one day. I hope that will be soon. But, unfortunately, I do not feel so with you. I have felt that way, though. Only once... but you don’t want to hear about that.’ Joneth said, waving the subject away.

She caught the bait, and hooked onto it.
‘You did? With who, Joneth? Tell me. I want to help you. I want to see you happy.’ Jennifer said. Joneth looked into her teary eyes. Ye gods, she actually was a “Happily-ever-after” kind of girl. She’d be an easy catch for anyone with a working voice.
‘I can’t tell. You wouldn’t like what you hear.’ Joneth said, slowly turning away. Again, she took the bait.
‘No! Tell me, please. I swear that I’ll help you. I don’t care who it is. Just tell me, please.’
‘All right.’ Joneth sighed, turning to Jennifer. Now, all he had left was the final blow.
‘Do you promise to help me? Knowing that it’d take me away from you forever?’
‘Yes, Joneth! Yes! I just want to help you... regardless of the cost.’
‘All right. My soul mate... my one and only true love... Is Jesse.’

Jennifer fell silent. All she said in a few minutes times was “Oh.” Joneth awaited her reaction as some internal battle took place. It took quite a while, but eventually Jennifer turned to Joneth.
‘I did promise, didn’t I?’ She asked meekly.
‘Yes. A heart-felt promise.’ Joneth answered, his mind cheering with joy.
‘All right. I don’t know how anyone could possible feel attracted to that block of ice with nails, but if you truly feel that way about her...’ Joneth nodded, reassuring her that he did, ‘... Then I’ll help. I promise you that I’ll help you win Jesse. Despite my hatred for her, and my love for you, I will help you. You have my word.’
Joneth sighed with great relief, and smiled. His acting couldn’t have been better. He was sure that he actually looked saddened and relieved.
‘That’s great! Now, let’s just watch the sun set, shall we? As friends?’
‘Sure, Joneth.’ Jennifer said, leaning against Joneth.
‘Call me Jon.’

And, from the bushes behind them, a figure wrote furiously, all the while muttering in a non-audible tone. As Joneth and Jennifer waved goodbye to one another, the unknown figure made its way through the bushes, avoiding the branches in a strange, systematic way.
This. Right there. It killed the story for me. I just can't get myself to understand or believe that Jennifer would fall in love so easily, buy his lie AND trust him enough to reveal her darkest secret. It doesn't make sense. There's no character development detailed enough to explain why, in such a short period of time, she would fall so, soooo madly in love with him to do that. I mean, sure, love at first sight. Possible. Joneth is a charismatic guy? Okay. But this? Far fetched. It even sounds like you needed a filler or a reason to progress the story and decided upon this one. It's something having a naive character, but to fall in love and tell a total stranger such a secret in two days' worth of time just doesn't seem plausible to me.

Love aside, the story is nicely written. Excellent flow, although you really need to work on character names and their repetition. Just in the quoted story above, there's 40 use of Joneth and 23 uses of Jennifer. This isn't very apparent and most people will probably not notice, but I still think it's rather unacceptable to have so much.

A couple of errors:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wixern View Post
‘No, they always keep the clocks here inaccurate, because books can’t stand time. Of course they’re accurate. This is a library. Where the obssessive nerds hang out.’ Jesse said sarcastically.
Obssessive should be obsessive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wixern View Post
‘Affirm reception of instructions and promise to perform formentioned instructions... Sure, Jesse. I’ll go follow him right now!’
Formentioned should be forementioned.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wixern View Post
By the rules of beautfifully performed actions, Joneth was now standing next to Jennifer, who was wide-eyed with awe and surprise. Joneth got up and handed her the rose.
Beautfifully should be beautifully.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wixern View Post
It had helped that he knew the strongest and most feared guys in the school, and word had spreak quickly.
Spreak should be spread, I assume.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wixern View Post
‘What, Joneth? Is it my face? My body? Am I too fat? Too thin? Is my hair too frizzy, too sleak or too much? Is it the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I breathe? Is it my nose? Is it my emotional problem that I trust people too quickly? Is it because I smell, or because I don’t smell? Or-‘ Jennifer said, tears welling up in her eyes.
I believe sleak should be sleek.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wixern View Post
As the room began to wake up, a symphony of groans and moaning, Joneth walked among the ravages of the previous night. Big O’ had passed out in the middle of a pile of beer bottles. The sight was too good to let slip, so Joneth took a quick snap with his cell phone before walking over to O’Conner. He needed a quick shake and a slap before finally waking up and realizing Joneth was not, in fact, a hot supermodel willing to make out with him.
‘Snap out of it, O’Connor.’ Joneth said, massaging the back of his hand.
‘M’name’s Bill. Bill O’Connor.’ The drunken Bill muttered, trying to get up and failing.
‘Right-o, Billy. No need to get up for me. Just tell me what band’s on the stereo at the moment.’
Bill raised his head off the floor for a second and listened. He then fell back, and muttered “Avenged Sevenfold” before rolling over and throwing up.
‘Oh, come on O’Conner, not again!’ Harry said, still in the same position he was in last night, except that he had a girl in his right hand rather than a beer.
Is there a reason why you switch between O'Conner and O'Connor here? In all the other chapters, it's always been O'Conner.
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The transfer student- Chapter 5

Thanks for the feedback, Vonterul.

I'll try to answer your questions as coherently as possible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vonterul
It killed the story for me. I just can't get myself to understand or believe that Jennifer would fall in love so easily, buy his lie AND trust him enough to reveal her darkest secret. It doesn't make sense. There's no character development detailed enough to explain why, in such a short period of time, she would fall so, soooo madly in love with him to do that. I mean, sure, love at first sight. Possible. Joneth is a charismatic guy? Okay. But this? Far fetched. It even sounds like you needed a filler or a reason to progress the story and decided upon this one. It's something having a naive character, but to fall in love and tell a total stranger such a secret in two days' worth of time just doesn't seem plausible to me.
I can understand the problems you have with this particular scene. I know it's rather fast-paced and lacks credibility, but I needed a way out of the romance scene with Jennifer.
Aside from that, Joneth is a natural charmer, and Jennifer is easily charmed. She may not even have considered that what she was feeling wasn't love. Her usual hangout (geeks, nerds) also isn't a very charming group. Quite possibly, anyone could've made her fall in love with him.

I see that I haven't made that very clear in the story. I don't usually delve into sidestory characters much more than necessary. I'll have to work on that.

As for the spelling errors, I have no real excuse. These chapters are written in a 30-50 minute period of time, often hastily and late at night. Inconsistencies, spelling and grammatical errors are bound to occur. I usually don't even re-read the thing before posting it, so the chance of spelling errors are quite large.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. Also, thanks for the PM. I haven't taken a real good look at it yet, but it looks like it could definitely be useful.
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