A War to Remember

[bok choi]

A War to Remember

By: Corey Chan

ATTENTION: If you want to ruin the whole story and read the ending then this story would be terrible and boring. Also I caught most of my grammar and spelling mistakes but I know there are a few left.

I was ready for it. I was ready to lose but ready to fight. I watched the sun go down and realized that the time had come. I put on my navy blue uniform and I leave to the open field. Coldness swept over and icy shards of wind clung onto me. I looked around to see no one but my breathe riding with the wind. I knew what was ahead and the danger but I continued to walk. The first sign of life was my team waiting for me in the dark, all in their navy blue uniforms. All either trying to stay warm or just waiting for the time to come. We must take the treasure.
Darkness overwhelmed the field, the echoes of crunching snow floated in the air. Whispers amidst, we all scan the field from side to side but see nothing. As our eyes adapted to the environment, darkness became a clear darkness. I ran up to the tree for protection and war cries echoed through the cold crisp air. I was spotted and shots were fired. Cries of pain and victory were all mixed in together causing everyone to seem like kids playing a small game of tag.
I turned around the tree and was noticed instantly; I made my shot and dived behind the bunker and tumbled down. We were outnumbered and it seemed that this war would be short and futile. We all stared at each other, fear and anxiety showed on our faces but we held strong and we would not go down without a fight. We gathered our weapons and we were ready to counter.
“Let’s finish this,” I uttered out through the cold which was going to kill me before the war was over.
“LET’S END THIS!!!” replied the soldiers simultaneously and together we ran out firing with everything we had.
“I SEE IT!” barked out a soldier but the treasure was stationed beyond reach.
The treasure was to bring pride, glory, fame, and victory to the man who obtains it.
I looked through the dark and notice the gleaming red of the treasure. Before long I realized I was still running and shots were blazing through the air.
“LUKE OVER HERE! QUICK!” shouted my best friend, Josh. He was waving for me to come over to hide behind the trees.
I clambered towards him and nearly tripped a few times but managed to make it without being spotted or hit.
“Don’t worry, I think the trees are on our side,” cracked Josh.
“Do you really think that matters right now? We have much more important things to do here!” I whispered scared of being caught.
“Yes… Sir…?” he said confusingly
“C’mon lets find a place to go around the open field,” I whispered.
As we hid in the darkness we scattered around to find a way out. By now, the cold has swept through my whole body and I could not feel my feet. Trudging along the snow we found the path.
“This way!” shouted Josh, thinking that it would be safe to yell now.
“DUDE, quiet down!” I replied.
We stepped out of the darkness within the trees and were in the enemy’s territory. We have made the halfway point.
“Let’s go back and get more people,” Josh pointed out noticing that we were alone as we went further.
I didn’t move. He tapped me on the shoulders trying to make me turn around but I was staring at seven fully armed soldiers ready to fire in their blazing red uniforms. It was over I thought.
We continued to keep a straight face while we looked up at them.
“So I see it’s a blue uniform…” mocked one of the soldiers. “Where’d you come from?”
We continued to stare and gave no sound, no movement, and no answer.
“If you do not answer, we will shoot you. Plain and simple ain’t it?” barked the soldier.
The soldiers all raise their weapons and aim it at us.
“RUN!” cried Josh.
I broke into a sprint and ran right behind Josh. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me and as fast as the wind would push me.
Startled, the soldier didn’t know what to do for a second.
“FIRE!” shouted the soldier.
As I scampered through the snow, shots were flying everywhere.
“AUGH!” yelped Josh.
He went tumbling down as he was shot in the chest and though he was down people continued to fire at him and me.
“JOSH!” I cried.
He did not reply. I knew it was too late for him, for he was being captured by the enemy and was slowly being taken away. I watched his body disappear and the trail that he left behind. As I continued to sprint through the snow I saw the trees and the safety of the darkness. I took a dive towards the trees to get behind a tiny hill. I plunged through the barbed trees and cuts built up all over me. The shots were ceased and in the background I could hear the soldier shout, “He’ll be back, no worries.”
I sat in the snow and took in the deepest breathes I never had a chance for. Blood was oozing out from my leg where a wound was cut open with crystal like blood flowing down my leg, forever changing the snow. Sweat trickled down my nose and poured down my neck. Heat and fear has token over my body. I lay there to cool off in the snow and to rest my bleeding leg.
As I got up, blood had finally stopped flowing through, energy was coming back, and coldness had token over again. I started to dart through the forested area, and back to our base. I ran through the darkness, stepping over rocks, dodging trees, and looking for life.
At last I had found a way out. As I came out, emptiness overwhelmed me and nothing but open space was left. Not a single animal stirred or a single sound. All that one could hear was the wind whistling in their ears. I walked around thinking that we had lost but we could have just advanced. I continued to walk around the barren land but found nothing. Trying to look for any sign of movement, I took a step forward and everything around me had disappeared. Adrenaline was rushing through my body. I walked into a trap and was plummeting down a hole. I landed on my feet because the hole was not too deep but I was stuck. Blood began to gush from my wound that had just started to heal; the pressure of the fall must have forced the blood out. Crunching of the snow approached the hole and I made know sound because I did not want to be caught, but I was. They shone a light down at me so I could not see their faces but their weapons were still visible. I had lost, and I let the team down.
“Luke? What the hell happened to you?” questioned the soldier in the blue who just turned his light off.
“Andy? WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?” I shouted for they had scared me so much.
“We were waiting for orders and just trying to survive,” replied Chris.
“Well get me out of this darn hole,” I scowled back.
They reached their hands down to pull me back up and I noticed that not many were left.
“How many are left?” I questioned.
“Eleven of us,” replied Andy.
“We winning?” I asked but I knew the answer.
“YEAH!” exclaimed Justin.
“Shut up Justin, no we’re not,” replied Chris.
“How many do they have left?” I demanded
“About twenty from what we saw but maybe more,” Andy retorted.
We all knew deep down that we would lose. We knew that we could not win.
“Until the last man,” Don remarked.
Silence cut through each and every man sitting there. No one knew what to say or do.
“That is correct, we do not lose until we lose everyone, we do not give up until we have won, and we do not leave until it is over!” I started off with a whimper but I ended with a yell.
“So what’s the plan sir?” asked Justin.
“Here’s how it is going to go,” I continued.
* * * * * *
We ran through the forest and dodged out the trees. Our footsteps echoed through the night. And the crunching of the footsteps sounded like the army of forty. We were going for one last shot.
We reached the opening and stared down the way at the treasure. Each holding our firepower, ready to shoot anytime, we all continued to shuffle down the path quietly and ready to prance. Only the sound of our foot steps was echoing through the night and the whispers throughout the people.
“OVER HERE!” shouted a red soldier but instantly he was shot down and thrown away.
“LET’S GO! NOW AND HURRY!” I exclaimed as loud as I could with all my breathe.
We all started to sprint towards our destination and fired at whoever we saw.
“EVERY MAN FOR THEMSELEVES!” screamed Andy.
Shots were all over the place and barely missing me. People were tumbling down hills and falling over into the snow. The destination had gotten closer and we were almost there.
I stretched my arm out and grabbed the frosted pole of the treasure. I yanked it out of position and dropped my weapon. The sweaty cling on my shirt was starting to build up.
“I’VE GOT IT GUYS! LET’S GO NOW!” I bellowed as I noticed that only five of us remained.
The five of us sprinted closer together and rushed towards the forest for shelter. I watched as my team slowly fell down one by one and my barricade was disappearing.
The trees were starting to show up but it was only me and Don left and it seemed futile. There were at least eight people trailing us and still firing shots at us.
“Not until the last man,” cried Don and he pushed me forward.

Continued in next post

[bok choi]

Don stopped in his place and turned and started to fire with all his power at the soldiers. One by one, they dropped but the last one got Don in the head. Don went crashing through the snow and the soldier just continued to chase me. I was at the trees finally but the red soldier was already aiming to make his shot. I had no choice but to take the dive again.
The soldier took his shot as I drove right into the darkness of the branches and he got me right on the foot. I was hit. It was over, I didn’t make it but I continued to run just as fast and pretended nothing happened. As I escaped the darkness I was at our base again but this time soldiers were waiting for me just outside our base. I was so close I could not lose this. I sprinted with all my energy left and attempted to dodge all their shots while at it and I took one last dive. Shots drove past my head and skimmed my face leaving little marks of where they had hit. Anxious to escape I took my sweaty hands and took the icy pool of the flag and struck it into the ground. Shots continued to echo through the background and everything was a blur. I was still being fired at and I was struck right in the face. Coldness rushed through my skull and I was down. Blackness filled my head and I could not feel, see, or hear anything. Everything in my mind had escaped from my world and I could not twitch my body any longer.
* * * * * *
Darkness became faces of worry and cheers started to break out. Blood was crawling over my face and the sunlight made the blood become a shimmering ribbon as it soaked into the snow. The icicle beside me had a glimmer of blood sketch the edges as it had struck me in the face. Cheers and laughter continued as I lay there awake but hurt. They were proud of me and I was proud of myself. I won the snowball fight for me and my team.


Please leave your opinions still revising

[Sexable]

MMM wtf was that, you use to many exclamation marks too"!!" way to get into your writing?

[Faggotry]

ok fan fiction for gunz amirite?

not this shty short story

[Terrorist]

nice job .

[bok choi]

still beast like story

[Vonterul]

First off, I'd like to suggest you properly arrange your story into organized paragraphs. This isn't a big deal, but I know some people can be thrown off by seeing such a huge wall-o'-text.

Second, I'd like to say right away that I enjoyed the story. I didn't expect that kind of ending, and it really surprised me in a good way. You seem not to have trouble finding stories to write about but rather how to write the story.

For example, you really need to try and avoid repetitions. I count 10 uses of the word Darkness, 42 uses of the word we, 72 uses of I in your first post, 12 uses of the word tree, 11 uses of the word snow, 9 uses of the word blood, 6 times the word treasure, etc. There's a couple of ways you can fix this issue, such as finding synonyms for the words in question, using metaphors and other figures of speech, totally rephrasing your sentences. Another good method I like to do is reading out loud your texts. Even if you're not that good at English, it can serve as practice, and sometimes it's easier to notice repetitions and things that don't sound right than constantly reading your text.

Also, I find first person narrators to be very hard to write because of the repetition problem, such as too much I's and We's. You don't have a lot of other options except phrase your sentences differently, which can be a hard thing to do. Experiencing with the third person might prove to be a bit easier(although you can encounter the same problems), but it really depends on what you have in mind.

Verb tenses are another thing you should work with. I notice a couple of them at the present tense, while the story is told in the past tense. For example,

Originally Posted by bok choi

I was ready for it. I was ready to lose but ready to fight. I watched the sun go down and realized that the time had come. I put on my navy blue uniform and I leave to the open field.

Notice how everything in this sentence is in the past tense, such as was, watched and realized but all of a sudden the word leave is left in the present tense? This is inconsistent and can potentially confuse readers, because we don't know if it's happening right now, or if it happened before. Put doesn't change because it's an irregular verb. It should either be like this...

"I am ready for it. I am ready to lose but ready to fight. I watch the sun go down and realize that the time has come. I put on my navy blue uniform and I leave to the open field." or...

"I was ready for it. I was ready to lose but ready to fight. I watched the sun go down and realized that the time had come. I put on my navy blue uniform and I left to the open field."

Note: Really not sure about the has and had before the word come.

And this brings me to my next point, too many simple, short phrases aren't good for the flow of the story. Merging them together and getting rid of words that you don't need is a good way to make it feel more alive, example...

"I was prepared for it, ready to lose, ready to fight, awaiting the moment of truth. As the sun went down, I put on my navy blue uniform and left to the open field."

This eliminates the five I's you had in that sentence, makes it flow more naturally, avoids some repetition. Even without changing the sentences too drastically, there's still a couple of things you could of changed and fixed all throughout your text.

All in all, though, a good effort and a good story, just needs to be written better.