Stories of Axium

DragoBaston · 05-03-2008, 03:05 PM

Part 1 - Birth of a Hero

Chapter One:

There was blood everywhere, Blood and silence.
As the young boy looked on, he could see the head flying of in a stream of red as the long sword cleanly severed it from its body. After what seemed like almost an eternity, it landed and rolled through the thick green grass into his lap, seeming to create a red carpet leading into the forest that began behind him.
What could the boy do? He was too stunned to cry and too afraid to run. All he could do was watch helplessly as the tall stocky man in armor as black as the deepest shadow kicked the headless body of his opponent aside, eagerly throwing away his large claymore and picking up a long cerulean katana which, though covered in blood, was still one of the most beautiful bladed weapons in all of Axium. As if by command, the once blue sky began to turn gray as he raised the sword high into the air. Blood from the sword slowly dripped onto his thin black moustache and goatee as, clutching the handle with both his hands, he began to speak with a thunderous gravelly voice:
“I have proven myself brave at heart. I have proven myself strong in spirit. I have proven myself worthy in battle. Argin has been defeated. Behold the new captain of the King’s Guard: Gudarian!” He began to laugh menacingly as he wiped the last of the dark red blood from the sword and from his armor.
“That sword… It’s my father’s…” Suddenly finding his resolve, the young boy ran over to Gudarian and began wildly throwing punches at his right leg, shouting: “Give it back, Give it back!”
As if in an instant, Gudarian raised his free hand and viciously backhanded the boy, sending him flying back about ten feet into a nearby oak tree. He quickly plodded over to the dazed child and raised him by his shoulder length black hair. The sinister grin on his face then became a serious scowl. “Quiet, boy! You are a fool to oppose me, just like your father was. Do you know who I am?” As he glared at the boy, a muddy stain on his right leg caught his attention. “How dare you touch my armor with your grimy little hands!” Gudarian hurled the boy onto the ground, then held the blue katana to his neck. “Now die like the insolent dog you are!”
As he saw Gudarian raise the katana high into the air with a wide smile, the boy struggled to keep his eyes open, wanting to bravely face his end as his father did moments before. However the fear of death overtook him; his eyes quickly betrayed him and shut almost immediately. Embarassed and ashamed of this, he turned to his side and waited to the final blow to come.
Suddenly, the boy was startled by sound of ringing metal. He opened his eyes to see an old man clashing swords with Gudarian. Though he only wore a brown tunic draped about his body, the man looked about as big as Gudarian wearing his armor. The bright sun shone off of his bald head and thick white moustache as he stood in a deep side stance, using one hand to hold his sword and leaving the other facing the boy.
“Master Valgus,” spat Gudarian.
“Gudarian, stop this now,” said Valgus, speaking with the even, gruff voice of a great general. He seemed to expend almost no effort as their swords fiercely grinded against one another.
“Leave me, this doesn’t concern you!” shouted Gudarian, still attempting to force his way past the old man’s sword, the only barrier that kept him from piercing the boy’s flesh, “I slew Argin in honorable combat, I have done no wrong.”
“I know that,” said Valgus, his tone still unchanging. “But I will not allow you to kill an innocent child.”
Gudarian quickly jumped back about two feet into a front stance, clutching his sword vertically “Will you really fight me over this worthless brat?”
Valgus slowly stood and faced Gudarian, holding his sword at his side. “I take no joy in killing my students, but right must be done, regardless of my feelings.”
Gudarian fiercely stared into Valgus’s unwavering eyes, then at the broken boy lying on the ground. After a moment, he stood and turned his back to them both. “Fine, he may live,” said Gudarian as he began walking towards Axium. “But if he ever enters this kingdom again, I will make sure I kill him myself.” He then gestured over to the headless corpse. “I’ll send for the soldiers to bury the body when I get back to town. A warrior deserves a warrior’s funeral.”
At least he still has some of his honor, Valgus thought as Gudarian walked away. When Gudarian was completely out of sight, he glanced over at the now unconscious boy. He really did a number on that kid, he’ll be out for a while, he thought to himself as he stretched out his rocky hands and hoisted the boy onto his shoulders. But his bones may not heal correctly if I don’t care for him now; I must hurry! Grasping the boy tightly, Valgus began to run into the dense forest, his brown tunic blending in with the wide trees around him…

Senvae · 05-04-2008, 04:48 PM

Alright, not a bad read. There are a few areas to improve though. First you try and throw too many precise details into the same sentences. Take your time to write, describe with ease and a flow of eloquence. Not only does this read smoother, but it also serves to add depth to the story. Also, I usually avoid using semi columns in proses. Most of the time its better to make two sentences and re-work them each.

Last but not least. It is very important that you select a point of view and stick to it. Right at the end of this story the POV jumped from the boy to Valgus. I know you were trying to give his thoughts to the readers, but it would've built better atmosphere to let the boy feel fear and awe by his presence. Afterwards you can start a new chapter or use a division in the text so you can jump to Valgus' POV.

Just my opinion, don't get discouraged, keep writing. You have a lot of potential.

DragoBaston · 05-04-2008, 06:28 PM

Thanks for the comments. I did kind of jam too many precise details into some sentences. And I actually did use a subdivision to jump to Valgus's POV, but it turned out like that after I copied and pasted it. I'm planning to make this a series, so hopefully the quality will improve over time.

Kuldioxid · 05-04-2008, 06:50 PM

I like it =]

keep it up

Remorse · 05-05-2008, 05:02 AM

Err, alright I guess.

Need some work. When I first read it, it said 'There was blood every, Blood and silence.
The B in there is meant to be a lower-case letter. Also, it says there was blood everywhere. Then blood and silence. As Senvae said no extra details are really needed, you suggested there was blood. But after the comma, you said blood again, which wasn't needed since we already were told the blood was there.

Some words weren't really used 'well' but I'm not saying used incorrectly. Use more paragraphs to space each different event out. Sorry to be picky.

Rating: 6.5/10

05-03-2008, 03:05 PM	#1 (permalink)
DragoBaston Newbie Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 8 DragoBaston's GamerBio	Stories of Axium Part 1 - Birth of a Hero Chapter One: There was blood everywhere, Blood and silence. As the young boy looked on, he could see the head flying of in a stream of red as the long sword cleanly severed it from its body. After what seemed like almost an eternity, it landed and rolled through the thick green grass into his lap, seeming to create a red carpet leading into the forest that began behind him. What could the boy do? He was too stunned to cry and too afraid to run. All he could do was watch helplessly as the tall stocky man in armor as black as the deepest shadow kicked the headless body of his opponent aside, eagerly throwing away his large claymore and picking up a long cerulean katana which, though covered in blood, was still one of the most beautiful bladed weapons in all of Axium. As if by command, the once blue sky began to turn gray as he raised the sword high into the air. Blood from the sword slowly dripped onto his thin black moustache and goatee as, clutching the handle with both his hands, he began to speak with a thunderous gravelly voice: “I have proven myself brave at heart. I have proven myself strong in spirit. I have proven myself worthy in battle. Argin has been defeated. Behold the new captain of the King’s Guard: Gudarian!” He began to laugh menacingly as he wiped the last of the dark red blood from the sword and from his armor. “That sword… It’s my father’s…” Suddenly finding his resolve, the young boy ran over to Gudarian and began wildly throwing punches at his right leg, shouting: “Give it back, Give it back!” As if in an instant, Gudarian raised his free hand and viciously backhanded the boy, sending him flying back about ten feet into a nearby oak tree. He quickly plodded over to the dazed child and raised him by his shoulder length black hair. The sinister grin on his face then became a serious scowl. “Quiet, boy! You are a fool to oppose me, just like your father was. Do you know who I am?” As he glared at the boy, a muddy stain on his right leg caught his attention. “How dare you touch my armor with your grimy little hands!” Gudarian hurled the boy onto the ground, then held the blue katana to his neck. “Now die like the insolent dog you are!” As he saw Gudarian raise the katana high into the air with a wide smile, the boy struggled to keep his eyes open, wanting to bravely face his end as his father did moments before. However the fear of death overtook him; his eyes quickly betrayed him and shut almost immediately. Embarassed and ashamed of this, he turned to his side and waited to the final blow to come. Suddenly, the boy was startled by sound of ringing metal. He opened his eyes to see an old man clashing swords with Gudarian. Though he only wore a brown tunic draped about his body, the man looked about as big as Gudarian wearing his armor. The bright sun shone off of his bald head and thick white moustache as he stood in a deep side stance, using one hand to hold his sword and leaving the other facing the boy. “Master Valgus,” spat Gudarian. “Gudarian, stop this now,” said Valgus, speaking with the even, gruff voice of a great general. He seemed to expend almost no effort as their swords fiercely grinded against one another. “Leave me, this doesn’t concern you!” shouted Gudarian, still attempting to force his way past the old man’s sword, the only barrier that kept him from piercing the boy’s flesh, “I slew Argin in honorable combat, I have done no wrong.” “I know that,” said Valgus, his tone still unchanging. “But I will not allow you to kill an innocent child.” Gudarian quickly jumped back about two feet into a front stance, clutching his sword vertically “Will you really fight me over this worthless brat?” Valgus slowly stood and faced Gudarian, holding his sword at his side. “I take no joy in killing my students, but right must be done, regardless of my feelings.” Gudarian fiercely stared into Valgus’s unwavering eyes, then at the broken boy lying on the ground. After a moment, he stood and turned his back to them both. “Fine, he may live,” said Gudarian as he began walking towards Axium. “But if he ever enters this kingdom again, I will make sure I kill him myself.” He then gestured over to the headless corpse. “I’ll send for the soldiers to bury the body when I get back to town. A warrior deserves a warrior’s funeral.” At least he still has some of his honor, Valgus thought as Gudarian walked away. When Gudarian was completely out of sight, he glanced over at the now unconscious boy. He really did a number on that kid, he’ll be out for a while, he thought to himself as he stretched out his rocky hands and hoisted the boy onto his shoulders. But his bones may not heal correctly if I don’t care for him now; I must hurry! Grasping the boy tightly, Valgus began to run into the dense forest, his brown tunic blending in with the wide trees around him…

05-04-2008, 04:48 PM	#2 (permalink)
Senvae Gunzfactorian Patriot Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Canada Posts: 404 Senvae's GamerBio	Re: Stories of Axium Alright, not a bad read. There are a few areas to improve though. First you try and throw too many precise details into the same sentences. Take your time to write, describe with ease and a flow of eloquence. Not only does this read smoother, but it also serves to add depth to the story. Also, I usually avoid using semi columns in proses. Most of the time its better to make two sentences and re-work them each. Last but not least. It is very important that you select a point of view and stick to it. Right at the end of this story the POV jumped from the boy to Valgus. I know you were trying to give his thoughts to the readers, but it would've built better atmosphere to let the boy feel fear and awe by his presence. Afterwards you can start a new chapter or use a division in the text so you can jump to Valgus' POV. Just my opinion, don't get discouraged, keep writing. You have a lot of potential. __________________ Fan Fiction by Senvae THE FIERY LOTUS Part-1, Part-2, Part-3, Part-4, Part-5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 (Final Chapter)

05-04-2008, 06:28 PM	#3 (permalink)
DragoBaston Newbie Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 8 DragoBaston's GamerBio	Re: Stories of Axium Thanks for the comments. I did kind of jam too many precise details into some sentences. And I actually did use a subdivision to jump to Valgus's POV, but it turned out like that after I copied and pasted it. I'm planning to make this a series, so hopefully the quality will improve over time.

05-04-2008, 06:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
Kuldioxid Gunzfactorian Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 219 Kuldioxid's GamerBio	Re: Stories of Axium I like it =] keep it up __________________ http://www.gunzfactor.com/forums/f12...eu_player.html EU pros or novices come at me Because it contains CO2 [Kuldioxid]

05-05-2008, 05:02 AM	#5 (permalink)
Remorse Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Behind you. Posts: 59 Remorse's GamerBio	Re: Stories of Axium Err, alright I guess. Need some work. When I first read it, it said 'There was blood every, Blood and silence. The B in there is meant to be a lower-case letter. Also, it says there was blood everywhere. Then blood and silence. As Senvae said no extra details are really needed, you suggested there was blood. But after the comma, you said blood again, which wasn't needed since we already were told the blood was there. Some words weren't really used 'well' but I'm not saying used incorrectly. Use more paragraphs to space each different event out. Sorry to be picky. Rating: 6.5/10 __________________ You taught me hate, I'll teach you fear.