Senvae's First Play: A "Montreal's Festival of Theatre" selection.

[Senvae]

Yup, you read the title right. Nosedagger new about this for a while now, but I wanted to share with you all that one of your own is now a playwright. I wrote this play, which my sister translated in french (she also added a few parts which I reworked into the script), and then she submitted the final results to the judges. We got selected, and my sister will be Directing and Performing in this 15-20min presentation. I decided to share the original English version with you all. I have modified the original to fit the ending my sister had suggested. We both agreed to make a surprise ending, it makes it less sappy that way.

A Place Between Heaven and Hell

Decors: A traditional vision of heaven should be illustrated with clouds all about. In the center of the stage there is a stairway going down to a pulsating red light.

Actors: A man and a woman plays a young married couple. Both should be dressed like they were out into town, and they should have wedding rings on.

Both actors, a man and a woman,walk on stage. The man looks frustrated but nervous, walking faster and slightly ahead of the woman. The woman looks reserved to herself and worried, she glances at the man disdainfully on occasions.

Man: (Nervous and pacing): Not on the list! Not on the list!? What does he mean not on the list!? I'm baptized!

Woman: (irritated): Will you calm down!? You're making me nervous!

Man: Calm down!? The heaven's gate keeper just told me I'm not on the list! He told me to go to hell see if I'm on theirs! How can you NOT be nervous!? Do you have any idea what they do to you down there?

Woman: (Sardonically): Why don't you tell me, since you're so smart!?

Man: (irritated): Don't start!

Woman: I'll tell you why we're going to hell, you killed that old lady. I told you to pay attention to stops signs, but you never listen to me!

Man: (Shocked, doesn't seem to know what to say next. Stutters a bit.): What!?... ok... ok fine! If I killed the old lady, where is she?

Woman: She's probably on the other side of those big gates, getting an apology from God for creating idiots like you. This is the same kind of crap that happens all the time with you, like the trip to Gaspe for my sister's wedding. (Imitating her husband mockingly): “Oh we'll be there sooner if I speed at night. They don't have any cops on the highways at night over here.” That speeding ticket cost you over a hundred and fifty dollars, then we had to settle for a cheap toaster as a wedding present! I was so ashamed. I still remember that horrible smile she faked after opening the present, and I stood there with my own phony smile. My mother warned me about you, but I didn't listen and now I have to go to hell with you. (She starts to sob)

Man: Oh right, your mother, the same woman that collects celebrities' nail clippings. Your ashamed of my driving, but God forbid you should ever be ashamed of your mother, running around Las Vegas hotels, bribing chamber maids for human garbage. (Sarcastic): Yeah she's full of great ideas, you should listen to her!

Woman: Why not? She sold Brad Pitt's toe nails for five thousand dollars on Ebay, which she gave to us for you knee operation, in case you don't remember! I had to lie to her again. I told her you saved a little girl from a speeding motorist but the car hit your leg instead. If only she knew you slipped on black ice coming out of a strip bar on St-Catherines Street, she would have never sold the Brad Pitt collection. Maybe we would have settled for Joe Pescie's nails instead, and pay the rest with a loan.

Man: (Sarcastic) Well I have an idea then! Let's go haunt your mother's house and tell her what really happened. Afterwards we could tell her about the time the police called me to pick you up in front of a private club. I believe the Chippendales were performing there if I heard them say it correctly?

Woman: I told you the story already! The only reason I was there was to get a drink with my friends who dragged me in there. I was looking for something in my purse and a pen fell out onto the stage, I couldn't just leave it there! What if the dancer slipped on the pen? If I wouldn't have done my civic duty of climbing on stage to pick it up, he could have seriously injured himself.

Man: I don't know where you found that pen, but the police officers said they let you off the hook because the dancer didn't press sexual harassment charges.

Woman: Maybe if you took care of me more often I wouldn't be so sexually depraved... (pretends to cry)

Man: (Appalled): Sexually Depraved!? (Imitates wife): “Not tonight honey, I have a headache. Not tonight, I have to work early tomorrow.” Oh, and let's not forget my favorite: “Not tonight honey, its election day tomorrow” What kind of an excuse was that!? I don't remember marrying a politician. If that's what you call sexually depraved behavior, there are millions of people out there living in a bordello of debauchery every single night!

Small silence between the two, whom are obviously frustrated beyond words.

Man: (Losing patience): Hey well you know what? For once I remembered something you didn't! This contract says “Till death do us part”. Well honey, I'm dead and now I'm about to part. (He throws his wedding ring on the ground)

The man walks decisively towards the scary stairs.

Woman: (Worried, the woman stops him halfway): Wait, where are you going?

Man: (Sarcastic): I'm going to see those green guys from the Just for Laughs festival.

(Note for Gunzfactorians from over seas, the Montreal's Just for Laugh's Festival had little laughing green devils as a mascot. Hence the inside joke for the Canadian public.)

Woman: (Breaks down to her knee and clamps herself to her husband's leg crying. She speaks fast out of terror, babbling non-sense.): NO! You can't leave me alone like this! I don't want to go down there alone, Satan is probably really ugly! He probably wears a big mask like Darth Vader, but it has ugly yellow horns and his breath smells bad and he's got goat legs and a red pitch fork or a machine gun, maybe he's got little ugly trolls around him with machetes...

Man: (Same time as woman's last text): Get a hold of yourself woman. (tries to walk with her clamped to his leg, he doesn't go far): We're divorced now, start acting like it!

Woman: (Gets up frustrated, pushes him violently): Oh fantastic timing for a divorce! Do you really plan to stay single for all eternity? I'd hate to break it to you but its not exactly Mardi Gras down there, good luck meeting women! You're gonna be stuck masturbating until the end of time! (Turns away from the man, talks to herself): Oh my god! That's terrible!

Man: Somehow I doubt that will be a concern of mine in hell. I just have an eternity of damnation ahead of me. With my luck the devil is probably one of my ex-girlfriends too, waiting for her turn at revenge. Well she's definitely a woman anyways. What better candidate for the guardian of chaos than someone who gets insane and neurotic three to six days a month, twelve times a year!? It's amazing how I let you talk me into marriage.

Woman: Well at least I did it for love! I remember those excuses you used to avoid having kids, they were completely ridiculous! (Imitates husband): “Oh honey your boobs are gonna get even bigger, and I don't want a wife with her breast swinging past her knees, full of stretch marks!” You're so selfish!

Man: You wouldn't have liked me either with man-cellulite all over my butt, skin hanging from my arms, and balls hanging just above my knee, so every time I take you from behind it hit your bellybutton...

Woman: (Interrupts): That's old age your describing, not maternal syndromes.

Man: (Losing patience): You know what? I'm really starting to regret not leaving you at home to go drink with the guys. At least I wouldn't have you here nagging me for all eternity about the dumbest **** I have ever heard.

Woman: Well you asked for it, driving 70 in a 50 zone!

Man: Honey, we live in Montreal! If I go slower than 20 over the limit I am slowing down traffic.

Woman: (Losing patience, screaming): Well you sure as hell slowed down that old lady!

The man stares at her with an astonished look, he suddenly realized they might not be dead.

[Senvae]

Man: (Calmed and intrigued): Wait a minute... when is the last time you heard about anyone dying in a car accident, in the middle of a residential area? The whole idea is ludicrous. I bought that car because it got the highest safety ratings in its class, with side airbags to boot!

Woman: (Not convinced): Ok wise guy, why are we here then?

Man: (Excited): You see it on TV all the time! Some people say when they fall into a coma or get a near death experience they can see heaven before they are thrown back to their bodies! (Gets very excited, and jumps up a few times): Yes! Yes! Yes! We probably just in a coma, that's it! I'm sleeping softly on a hospital bed with a few scratches.

The man opens his arms to the crowd with his eyes closed.

Man: Take me back God... nnnnnnnOOOWW!!!! (Nothing happens, obviously)

The man tries several comical positions to summon himself back to his body to no avail, meanwhile the woman sits on her cloud exasperated and discouraged.

Woman: (She gets up slowly and talks to the crowd like she was letting her mind wander into a train of thoughts): My god, what if we really are just in a coma!? Am I just standing there in a hospital bed with my family around me, waiting for me to wake up? Dad would be there to hold my hand, I know he would. My mother would cry, and tell me about all the good food she will cook for me when I wake up. Maybe my sister and her husband came too, to say goodbye... Or am I all alone and my parents don't even know it yet!? Oh gross, maybe I have that yucky foam coming out of my mouth, and tubes everywhere. (Shudders): Oh I hate needles, please let there be no needles! I'm gonna wake up to the horrible sound of that beeping machine that counts your heartbeat. But what if we really are dead, what happens now? How will we ever find out? I really don't want to go to hell if I don't have to. What if I remember what hell looks like and wake up from the coma. Will those vision haunt me for the rest of my life, or will I forget it all under the shock of coming back. (Suddenly worried): Oh my God! What if I'm a vegetable!? Is it really worth living like that? I might not be able to talk to tell them to kill me, I'll be stuck in a prison of flesh for years! (She stops silent for a moment, flabbergasted by a thought): What if only one of us is dead?

She turns to her husband, who is still pacing around the cloud trying to find create ways to make himself wake up.

Woman: (To her husband worried): What if one of us is dead and the other is not!?

Man: (Not taking her seriously): Well then you're the survivor because I can't figure out how to come back, its not working at all.

Woman: I'm serious, this is serious! Did you forget where we are?

They both glance at the red stair together.

Man: (Denial): No no no! I'm not dead, that's not possible. I wasn't driving fast enough. Even that old lady is fine, I'm sure. Look, I'm gonna go down there and talk to that Satan chick. I'm sure we're not on her list either.

Woman: (Panicked): Are you crazy!? I'm not going down there!

Man: (Indifferent): Do what you want, you're single now, a free woman. (Turns to walk for the stairs)

The woman grabs him by the arm firmly, she won't let him go to hell.

Woman: (Insulted yet sad tone): Stop saying that! We're going to live you and I, just like you said! We can't be dead, it's not possible!

Man: Don't you ever watch the discovery channel sometimes? A coma can last years! Maybe once Satan tells us we're not on the list she will send us back to our bodies, or tell us where we can wait. Wouldn't that be great if they had some sort of neutral zone where people can have a drink until they wake up? Like a bar for comatose people! I could really use a beer right about now...

Woman: Satan will help us? Are you completely mad now? If the guardian angel at the gates didn't help us, what do you think THAT guy will do?

Man: Why do you think Satan will be less pleasant than that oaf at the gates? Don't you remember what he said? After he told us we weren't on the list he just sat there behind his desk looking at us. I had to ask him myself what we could do now, and all he did was shrug and say: (Imitates in a nasal voice): “Well I guess you could go to hell and check their list, but I know you're not on this one.” I've never seen someone so thick and lazy, except maybe the last time I picked up registrations from the Dept. of Motor Vehicles.

They both laugh at that last mention. It starts with a restrained chuckle and turns into a full hearted laugh like a great comforting release. They stop laughing and then take a deep relieved breath.

Man: (Takes her hand and holds it between his, looking into her eyes): Its when I hear you laugh that I remember why I fell in love with you, you know.

Woman: (Smiling and blushing): Well... you did always know how to make me laugh.

Man: Come with me, I'll hold your hand. We're gonna go find out what happens next, ok?

Woman: (Hesistates a bit, but leans for it): Ok, but don't let go!

The actors turn towards the red stairs and walk out together, hand in hand. They walk a few steps and the woman is suddenly pulled underneath the stage and vanishes. The man continues forward oblivious.

[Sarcor]

The pulling of the woman underneath the stage part is just O.O
and him not noticing is like =O--->WTF?
O.o

[Senvae]

That was my sister's ending idea. She felt it would be interesting that the woman mentioned it's possible that only one of them is dead, and that it was true. I'm the one who wrote like 80-90% of the material, so needless to say her monologue was my idea, but my sister used it to form a foreshadow to a surprise ending. She's better at this than she gives herself credit for.

[Nosedagger]

That was... funny as in strange, not funny as in humourous. You need to work on that Senvae. But the surprise ending is the real secks in this play. Leaves you thinking.

[Senvae]

Remember that we come from two different worlds Nose. What's funny to my culture and region might not be as funny in Singapore. Humor uses a lot of subtlety. Sexual jokes are also pretty casual in my country. In any case, it would explain why you never liked the dialog in my FL series, and why you would dislike my play (which is almost 100% dialog). I admit making a few corny one-liners in FL, but this play's Dialog is pretty authentic to reality.

[Remorse]

Not supposed to be, but a little touching. Talking about their marriage affairs. But they suddenly jump from evil to happy leprichorns. <------- I think that's how you spell it.


7.8/10

[Senvae]

Leprechauns actually. To tell you the truth my sister found out about this contest too close to the dateline, so I had one miserable week to work on this in between work and my girlfriend at the time. I don't think I did too bad given that, lol.

My problem with the quick turn to happy ending is that I needed to keep it short. But my sister says the actors' playing will make it look smoother and more eloquent on stage than it appears on paper. I wrote some stage direction notes for my sister, but it doesn't make the readers feel the play all too well.

Thanks for reading dude!

[Nosedagger]

Originally Posted by Senvae

Remember that we come from two different worlds Nose. What's funny to my culture and region might not be as funny in Singapore. Humor uses a lot of subtlety. Sexual jokes are also pretty casual in my country. In any case, it would explain why you never liked the dialog in my FL series, and why you would dislike my play (which is almost 100% dialog). I admit making a few corny one-liners in FL, but this play's Dialog is pretty authentic to reality.

That makes sense.

Originally Posted by Senvae

Leprechauns actually. To tell you the truth my sister found out about this contest too close to the dateline, so I had one miserable week to work on this in between work and my girlfriend at the time.

I'm in the same situation, except I don't have a girlfriend to "work on", just a play and piles of impending exams.

[Senvae]

Originally Posted by Nosedagger

I'm in the same situation, except I don't have a girlfriend to "work on", just a play and piles of impending exams.

Well actually I don't have a girlfriend to "work on" anymore. But about the play, me and my sister decided to start writing a movie script. We are supposed to be brainstorming ideas soon, can't wait to see what we come up with. I have thought of a story already, so just waiting to talk to her about it. The suspense of this project is exciting for me. If we fail, at least I could say I tried, but if we succeed, this could start being a money maker for me. WOOT!! MONEY!!!

[Faggotry]

this is a story that actually interested me