The Man with a Sixth Sense

[uberlaxers]

The Man with a Sixth Sense

The sturdy tables smashed like a ship against rocks as a muscular man of at least seven inches over six was thrown across the inn. Men and women shrieked and watched in a pallid manner as the stranger who simply tossed the behemoth halfway across in the inn floor lowered his arm. The unshaven man shook his head frantically as he stood up in sheer affliction. The stranger lashed out his fist at the tall man hitting him square under the chin, knocking him back another five feet against the wall of the tavern. Weightlessly, the hooded man lifted the gangly man into the air with one hand while the other hand reached for a dagger on his right thigh. “You have defiled my father’s temple with your malediction. You can choose to talk now, or be forever scarred with another hole to breathe out of,” he demonstrated with a flick of his wrist, slicing a hair sized cut across the gigantic man’s Adam’s apple.
“I meant not to incite malice upon any of your holy ones monks!” The people surrounding the two men in this brawl began mumbling and pointing fingers with looks of lament on their faces. The stranger snapped his head back towards the throng of people, instantly silencing them. The stranger pulled his hood off of his head to show lengthy platinum gold hair, a chiseled chin, high cheek bones, and the most menacing feature about him, his pearly white eyes with small, green flecks in them.
“You! You are the man with the power of clairvoyance!” The giant man tried to wiggle out of the blind man’s grasp only to be greeted with another small slash across the neck.
“Ah, quite the prudent one are we not?” I have been chasing you all the way from Al Terith just to find you slugging around in a tavern with women and being merry and drinking as if you did not do anything wrong at all. You have placed a devilish curse against our temple’s most holy of priests and I for one will not stand alongside so naïve to the world and let you get away with such a crime. Your pestilence is slowly rotting the man from the inside, to the outside, until he decays and is nothing less than a rotten carcass.
“I will never tell you of the cure! The man blurted as he emphasized his point by spitting on the blind man’s face.
“Such a shame,” the blonde man stated as he released four hearty punches to the thick headed man’s gut. The man spluttered and gasped for air after such an assault was taken on him. “Now listen, my insolent friend,” the unsighted man stated.” “I am not the dullest trick in the book, so I suggest you have quite the revelation as of now.” Just then, the blonde man’s eyes flickered as if he had come across something very important. “Thank you,” he murmured, and stabbed the bigger man in the neck.
Through gasps and wheezes, the dying man managed to say, “You extracted the answer from my brain?” and died. The now limp man was released from the blind man’s grasp and he slumped lifeless on the ground. The monk threw his hood back over his head and calmly walked out of the inn, back into the light.

This is just another one of my papers that I created . I hope you enjoy it . . .

[Ailysa]

One thing I noticed was that sentances need to be phrased a bit better or might need to be shorterned. (ie

Men and women shrieked and watched in a pallid manner as the stranger who simply tossed the behemoth halfway across in the inn floor lowered his arm.

would be better as: "Men and women shrieked and watched pallidly, as the stranger tossed the behemoth halfway across the inn's floor.")
The part with him lowing his arm after throwing the person is unnecessary, unless is bares any significance later on in the story. The sentance was also too long and made me feel like I was gasping for breath to read it all in one go, as it probably needed to be shorterned or have some commas added.

The idea overall is good, however there may have had to be more developed on what the tall man said or did against the temple. It also may have been better to develop a bit more on the stranger/monk's sixth sense, as there was only a small mention on it - yet it bares the title of the piece.

[guobin2]

He lowered his arm, breathing deeply as he cast his gaze over the room. An unnatural ringing pounded his ears at a relentless pace as he watched the occupants screaming and shrieking their loudest, scrambling for any inch of cover.

That's how I might have re-written that line. You need to connect your descriptions to the story, not just in bits and pieces but seemingly as though scripting a movie in your mind's eye.

You made a good attempt, but theres so much color in the description of events that you could have expounded on.

[Senvae]

Not bad, could be better. You still managed to write well enough to keep me interested. If you keep reading and writing you will eventually get it on the money. Is this a small part of a bigger project by any chance? Seems a bit askew by itself.

[uberlaxers]

S'hank you !