The Restless Demon

[uberlaxers]

Red dry gravel crunched like bone as a lone cowboy walked into the Horse Shoe Saloon.

The double doors screamed as their rusty hinges proved they were too old for the job. As the

earnest man walked smoothly across the dusty wooden floors, the once profligate saloon quieted

down to a low hum. The swivel seat creeked as he nimbly sat down. The demoralized tavern

quickly gained confidence and started a rambunctious racket once more. The young lady working

behind the bar quietly approaced him and asked if he wanted anything to drink.

" Water." The indecorous man quickly ordered. The girl curiously looked at him. He had

a smooth face, and straight gold hair with tired looking eyes and a dusty cowboy hat. It had

clearly been a tedious day, or life for him by the look of it.

" Water." He repeated. The startled girl blushed and dashed to the glasses and filled one

up to the brim.

" Your not from around here are you?" The girl candidly asked the stranger as she set the

glass down on the polished bar table.

" Your trivial phenomena is not needed right now." The man sneered back at her.

The girl quikly jabbed with a pouting face, "Don't be so melodramatic, I wasn't trying to

allude you."

The man looked up from his glass of water and smirked. "A fiery one are you? Well, if

you must know, I vaccilate from doctor to contract killer and there is a man in this bar."

With wide eyes the girl stared at him, then she started laughing. "A contract killer? You

must have fell off the looney wagon or something. which "man" are you propounding about

killing?"

"The stranger glared to his right and there was a fat man playing poker with another man.

"Cornealius Metreal. I have been tracing him since God knows when. Killing is my forte." He

jested with a show of his silver revolver. "He is wanted for running away with a certain bank's

money after it shut down."

The youth leaned over the bar right infront of his face. "Your telling me that your

serious?"

" S'as true as the Mississippi River." He said as he turned around unlatching his revolver

and pointing it straight at the obese's mans head. A shot was heard and screams erupted. The

particularly rounded man's startled face looked up towards where he had a new hole to breath out

of. His eyes rolled forward and he fell onto the floor. "Always a pleasure ma'am, he said as he

dropped a dime on the counter and finished off the water. Standing up, he shifted his hat towards

his eyes and he headed out back into the light, a restless demon.

Ok, ok its not the best. I am using all of the papers I wrote for my boarding school so I am loading up some more . . .

[Ailysa]

I loved the metaphor of the double doors screaming as he entered and the saloon, which helped to set the mood.

The excessive use of large vocabulary makes it look like you're just trying to use big words, opposed to using a good word every few sentances or so. (I had to look up a word in almost every sentance.)

The ending is just like the other piece you wrote; the metaphor about a new hole to breathe out of and stepping out into the light. =p

[guobin2]

Your sentences tend to jam abit, in a way such that the story doesn't flow very well, though you've got your descriptions down pat. Try to write naturally, and just let it flow without having to implement a certain variety of vocab and you'll do just fine.

[uberlaxers]

We had to use certain words for my paper :\ . . . I would have actually been more bland .. .

[guobin2]

Aye, I hate those forced assignments myself.

[HolyStriker]

Nice but I feel that you try to "force" in metaphors and fanciful words which tend to make a smooth sentence one that dosen't flow well.