story-W.I.P

[GreyFoX]

Before You read my story (which is FAR from being complete) I would like to put up a couple notes:

*This story is still WIP (work in progress)
*There's a lot of things I still have to work on (hence the WIP)
*Accept thoughtful reviews or creative criticism would be nice (but don't be too harsh >.>)
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(copied stright from the word document, so formatting (font type and what not) won't be shown from the word doc.)

Guardian; Immortal (testing title)

Chapter 1: Just the two of us

Rosemary had her head held up high; no this didn’t mean she felt “proud”, she was merely looking at the cloud-less skies. She rested her scythe on her shoulder for it was becoming rather heavy, making it a burden to carry around. The sun hung overhead, its radiant shine was blinding. She stopped abruptly by a huge boulder and decided it was time to rest her exhausted self. She rested on a boulder and removed her cowl and let the strong winds flow through her hair.

“Gorehowl, are you there?” She called out. A shadowy figure emerged from the trees and climbed down. The beast was in a phantom-like form, portions of ghastly smoke shrouded him. Then the phantom-like form disappeared, showing his true form. Dark blue markings surrounded his body and multiple long dread locks, decorated with small skulls and metal bands hung down from both sides of his mane. It was Gorehowl, Rosemary’s guardian and most beloved friend.

“We’ll be their soon Gorehowl” She assured. Gorehowl let out a growling scoff. “You said that five months ago”. He re-entered his ghostly form and disappeared into the trees. “I’m sorry! Just be patient.” Rosemary demanded. She removed her shoes and massaged her aching feet, lied down and dozed off.

Gorehowl loomed over, “Ah, lazy girl” he sighed. He felt tired himself, but he had to watch out for potential threats…or meals. In the fields ahead he saw a pile of animal corpses; most of them were already eaten. He climbed down the tree and headed towards the corpses. Fortunately there was still meat on the bones. They were being eaten by the buzzards, but they scattered as Gorehowl approached the bodies.

As he gorged himself with rotting flesh, the idea of being a scavenger was irritating. He preferred eating freshly killed prey, they were more delicious and nothing was more thrilling than hunting down prey. Not only that, but being a scavenger was degrading; it was for inferior creatures.

When he finished he washed down the blood with water from a nearby steam. His meal didn’t exactly fill him up, but it was marginally adequate nonetheless. Gorehowl made his way back to Rosemary, who was still sleeping. In the distance he saw some humans hiding near the trees-hunters.

“Wake up!” He ordered. Rosemary opened her eyes, but simply turned over and resumed sleeping. “No Gorehowl, I’m tired” Rosemary said drowsily. Gorehowl took her by the ankle and yanked her. She let out a surprised yelp. He carried her on his back as he traversed the tree tops at high speeds. Rosemary clenched his fur tightly, closed her eyes and tried not to think of falling.


Hours later, Gorehowl and Rosemary arrived at a town. Gorehowl surveyed the denizens: Animals, man-animals, ogres, and humans. Diverse…but it was lackluster. Rosemary jumped

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down from Gorehowl’s back, put her cowl back on and kept her head low. “What are we doing here?” Rosemary asked. “The forest is not safe. Not now. Hunters are in the forests, so we’ll have to wait until their poaching has ceased.” He explained. The two entered the town. Everyone was partying around the street corners and the roads themselves.

“You, young girl, come here.” A woman called out. Rosemary looked at the old woman and walked towards her. The woman was a gypsy. Rosemary approached her with curiosity, she’s always been intrigued by these women that were able to foresee future events. “Ah, what can I do for you young girl?” The Gypsy asked as she motioned her hands above her crystal ball and uttered a few incantations. Gorehowl walked up.

“We have no time for your parlor tricks, Gypsy.” Gorehowl said as he stepped between Rosemary and the woman. “Gorehowl! Don’t be so rude!” Rosemary scowled.

“Sorry about him. Can you really foresee the future?”

“Yes, my child, I can. What in the future do you want me to reveal?” The Gypsy moved her hands closer to the crystal ball. Inside the ball brilliant gasses and sparkling lights filled it, until it suddenly became pitch black which made it look like an onyx stone. “I want to know what will happen to us; I want to know what fate has in store for our lives; struggles or victories.”

The Gypsy closed her eyes and took Gorehowl’s claw and Rosemary’s hand. The ball was still black. The Gypsy finished.

“Hmm…interesting…” The Gypsy said. “I see many great trials ahead of you”.

“Bah! Such a common prediction!” Gorehowl scoffed. “I was not done…Imakoo. I see that you will lead a genocidal crusade against your most hated enemy and it will all start with righteous fury given to you by nature herself” She said.

Gorehowl, now intrigued, contemplated the idea briefly. “Let’s go” Gorehowl turned around and walked away. “Well…since you already predicted my friend’s future can you predict mine now?” Rosemary smiled. “I said let’s go!” Gorehowl repeated. He yanked her by the arm. “Hey!”

The two arrived at an Inn. They saw a variety of locals in the Inn, most of which were drunkards. Regardless the place seemed to be hearty and the joyfulness could be felt throughout the air. A barmaid walked up to them. “Hello, welcome to the Red trunk Inn, can I help you?” She greeted.

“Uhh, yes please. My friend and I need a place to rest for probably a couple days…”

“Well you’ve come to the right place! You can use room four upstairs.”

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The two entered the room. It was very cozy. The beds were clean and the room was filled with elegant paintings, though most of which portrayed the human’s conquest of the world, obviously annoying Gorehowl. Rosemary tossed her scythe on the floor and hopped on a bed, she laughed in jubilation. “Gorehowl! Sleep here, the beds are so comfortable! They are like clouds!” She urged. The Imakoo tilted his head in curiosity as he approached the bed. Odd, he’s never had the liberty of sleeping in one of these things. He imitated Rosemary and hopped on the bed, however this caused the other side of the bed to catapult Rosemary to the floor. Fortunately she landed on her back-side.

“Ow! That hurt!” exclaimed Rosemary. “Did you do that on purpose?” She accused. “Of course not” Gorehowl said, smirking.

She lied down on the bed and ran her fingers across Gorehowl’s mane, then his decorated braids. “You know…you never told me about these before” She said. Gorehowl looked at the metal bands too.

“The skulls are of insignificant value, but the metal bands represent my victories in the former Imakoo Empire” He explained. “The three there mean I have accomplished near-impossible tasks and how much blood I’ve spilt. Those two smaller ones on my other braid represent my rank.” He finished.

Rosemary studied the metal bands; she was intrigued by the mysterious signs and hieroglyphs on them. They matched the markings on Gorehowl’s body. She could just about ask many questions about these features, but the last time she did it she was denied any information. Rosemary stroked his mane, for some reason doing this made Gorehowl content. Funny, he hated being referred to as a dog or pet, but it was ironic whenever she embraced him-just like a pet.


The night was still young; it wasn’t even been an hour since their arrival in this town and Gorehowl felt impatient. The walls restricted him, or at least that’s how he felt, he opened the window and with a powerful leap he freed himself from the room. Rosemary didn’t mind him leaving; she understood his need for open space.

She placed her scythe inside a closet, since it started to become a nuisance carrying around the thing. So heavy and it made her look like a killer while walking around with it. Rosemary removed her robe and cowl and tossed them on the bed. She also tossed her shoes behind her, only leaving on her ragged shirt and pants. She walked over to a mirror with an overly decorated frame. It’s been a while since she saw a reflection of her self. It has never occurred to her if she was beautiful. She pondered for a moment, but discarded the thought. “Maybe”

She proceeded downstairs where spirits were high.

When she got to the Inn’s bar she sat down and the barmaid placed a cup of alcohol on her table. Rosemary studied the alien beverage. She saw its tiny bubbles rise up through the blood-red colored liquid. She can recall the many people who drank these strange beverages some of them turned violent like animals, others turned disoriented; their tongues were loose and they talked in

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strange manners. “It ain’t gunna kill ya’ hun’” A barmaid said. Rosemary replied with a smile and turned her attention back to the glass of alcohol.

She looked around to see if anyone was looking and then she took a swig of her drink. As an immediate reaction she gagged and spat out the beverage. “Foul! UGH!!!”

People looked at the girl, no stared at her. Rosemary’s face blazed red in embarrassment. She never liked attention from strangers…that and coughing up a cup of alcohol in public didn’t seem so “lady-like” (in their standards) or polite. As the people started getting back to their businesses she briskly walked back upstairs. “Perhaps it’s best I wait for Gorehowl.”

Rosemary heard some footsteps in her room, it wasn’t from her guardian, and the footsteps were somewhat lighter, but harder; metallic. She slowly opened the door and took a peek. She saw an Iron-clad warrior inside, he was inspecting her scythe. The warrior was slightly taller than her so it meant he couldn’t have been much older or younger than she was.

“Give me that scythe! It belongs to me!” She demanded, after pushing the door wide open. The warrior turned around. His entire body was encased in armor; the only thing she could see was his eyes. “This belongs to you?” The warrior examined the scythe and Rosemary. “A woman shouldn’t be carrying weapons, especially a woman so…..delicate” The warrior said. “Oh, how quant” Rosemary said sarcastically. “Delicate? ugh….”

“Give me my scythe!” She said again, but with a more furious tone. The warrior extended his arm and was about to give it back before she snatched it. Rosemary took her hand and glided it across the scythe, cleansing any stains caused by the warrior. “Clean.”

“You better leave this room before my guardian comes back” She threatened. Rosemary glared at him. The warrior proceeded out of the room. Rosemary held her scythe tightly. “Stupid man! He could have blown the world in two” She cursed silently.

Some time later she heard a thud outside the window. Gorehowl entered the room through the same window he exited earlier.

“Oh, Gorehowl, you’re back” Rosemary said in relief. “We must leave immediately!” He said. Rosemary saw him, he was breathing heavily from fatigue. “Hunters are coming this way! They know my presence” He said in labored breath.

“Know your presence?! You of all people should know all about stealth and subtlety!” Rosemary flared with disbelief. She quickly put on her robe and cowl and prepared to escape.
“Gorehowl, are you ok?” Rosemary could still see him on the floor trying to rest. “Their witch-doctor hexed me with exhaustion and cursed me with weakness” Said Gorehowl with labored breathing. Rosemary uttered a short incantation and raised her scythe with two hands, a glimmering ball of light spiraled around Gorehowl, cleansing the curse. The curse emerged from Gorehowl; it looked like a tiny demon minion- an imp, before dissipating.

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“Better” Gorehowl rose to his feet as his strength returned to him. “Those damned Hunters are near! Come, Rosemary.” He ordered. Rosemary climbed onto his back and held tightly. Gorehowl jumped out the window and dashed through the tree branches, but with a slower pace. The hex was still binding him. He tried his best to ignore the hex’s effects, but to no avail he stopped on another branch and tried to catch his breath. “You can’t keep your bearings nor are you fit to even move right now” Rosemary said. It was unsafe for him to be moving around in excess speeds, the hex was such an unbearable burden. He has not rested or eaten fully for a while and other than that he fought the group of hunters not too long ago.

The Hunters were not far off, Rosemary heard them coming near. They were bound to see them in the trees. Rosemary had no option, she had to fight them and remove the hex from Gorehowl. “Stay here!” She ordered as she climbed down the tree. “Rosemary…no, come back it is not safe” He warned.

Rosemary hid behind a thick bush and waited for the hunters. In a matter of seconds they passed her and stopped right ahead. She could hear their voices.

“Where is that demon?”
“It was moving in this direction, along with that girl”
“Find that demon! Its hide will give us a mountain of gold!”

Rosemary stood up and channeled the scythe to imbue her with power and focused on one of the hunters. There were four of them so she’d have to be careful. She concentrated harder and hurled a jagged lance of ice at the hunter, impaling him through the back. The lance of ice protruded through his chest. The second hunter fired an arrow, but Rosemary dodged the projectile and sent another ice lance at her attacker. Two left.

The second-to-last hunter drew out twin swords and charged. Rosemary repeated her attacks, but the ice lances were cut down in midair, leaving behind glimmering fragments. She grabbed her scythe and as the hunter was close enough she imbued the scythe with fire and attacked with a deadly horizontal slash. The strike stopped the hunter’s charge, whilst stunning him. Rosemary held her scythe with two hands and with a downward slash the scythe’s blade struck through the hunter’s skull. A faint scent could be smelled by the burning of the hunter’s brain. As she retrieved the blade it was completely clean, no blood or gore whatsoever.

The last hunter pulled out a voodoo object and uttered an incantation. He was in gray robes, dominated by an insignia. Rosemary quickly used a counter-spell, silencing the hunter’s spell-speak. He attempted to escape, but Rosemary uttered an immobilizing spell, binding the witch-doctor. She brought the scythe’s burning blade close to his throat.

“Mercy!” He pleaded. Rosemary saw his face. He was horrified.

“Sorry, not my choice” She said. She quickly decapitated the witch-doctor. The scythe’s flames sealed the wounds before any blood leaked out. The voodoo doll dropped to the ground, while the body was still suspended by the spell. She canceled the spell’s effects and the body dropped to the ground as well. Rosemary picked up the doll, examined the ugly figurine and crushed it.

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The hex lifted from Gorehowl. As he felt his stamina returning, he climbed down the tree and over to Rosemary.

“Do not do that again” Gorehowl scowled. “I just saved you!” Rosemary protested. She folded her arms and glared at him. He emitted a low, but deep growl from his throat and walked pass Rosemary. “Thank you” He said, just barely out of earshot. Rosemary smiled gleefully and hopped on Gorehowl’s back and wrapped her arms around his neck. “What would you do with out me?” She rubbed her check against his silky mane.

“I love you, Gorehowl” She said soothingly. He replied with a low growl. She giggled; she knew what that low growl meant. “Hold on tight and warm yourself up. It is going to be a long and cold journey” He said. Rosemary snapped her finger once and an aura of faint, yet warm light embraced them. Gorehowl, with a powerful kick, launched himself and Rosemary from the ground and into the air. He made great leaps and bounds from tree to tree; Rosemary let some of the scythe’s magic keep Gorehowl afloat in the air momentarily. The two traversed through the night, pass the trees, under acid-white moon and the obsidian skies.

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Chapter 2: Nature’s children

The sun climbed to the horizon. Dawn. Gorehowl and Rosemary were nestled on the top most branch of a great tree. The rays penetrated Rosemary’s eyes; she blocked her eyes from the blinding light and slowly descended down the tree, leaving Gorehowl to catch up on his rest. As her bare feet touched the grass, she let out a slight gasp as her feet made contact with the grass- The grass was riddled with ice-cold dews. She decided it was best for her to float, instead of letting her feet be exposed to the cold grass.

Rosemary scanned the environment. It was so tranquil compared to the town, in fact being in the forest again made her feel almost deaf. It was so silent. She felt this every time they left a city or village. Gorehowl never told her about these kinds of feelings, but then again she never mentioned it to him. Only strange, bodily or the other, more complicated, inner feelings. Which surprisingly Gorehowl was able to solve…surprisingly.

Rosemary gently floated through the area just sight-seeing. She grew bored and started spinning her scythe around. The speed and revolutions started to increase; soon she was spinning the scythe at a dangerous speed. Thwack

She heard the sound and abruptly stopped, halting the scythe’s graceful dance. Rosemary looked around and saw a rabbit’s body not too far. She saw its head was lopped off; it must have jumped in the way of her scythe’s rotation. “Oh no…” She picked up the dead carcass. “I’m sorry” She said sincerely.

Rosemary buried the rabbit where it died. Its life essence seeped into the earth. A proper burial…for such an untimely death. Rosemary reflected on this moment, this heartbeat moment. Her scythe, the accident, the sound, the burial; It happened in an instant.

“In a heartbeat….” She said to herself quietly. Rosemary continued floating around; only this time she didn’t spin her scythe around. What next could she accidentally decapitate? Hours passed and she continued floating through the forest aimlessly.

Then the ground rumbled beneath her and a giant guardian rose from its sleep. It let out a deep yawn and looked around. It saw Rosemary. “Hmm, who disturbs this sanctuary? and more importantly who disturbs my sleep?” the Guardian asked. “I-I’m sorry!” Rosemary apologized. “Oh, not so loud my child. You’ll disturb every other guardian here, especially yours!”

“Wait, you know about Gorehowl?” She asked. “Of course I do. My nieces and nephews always talk about his return and now since he has returned I guess they are happy” The Guardian said. “Really?” Rosemary said in disbelief. Gorehowl never told her about this guardian.

“Well, my relatives here always talk amongst themselves. Ahem, come, my child, I can hear my aunts bickering. They don’t like Imakoo sleeping on them” The guardian picked up Rosemary and let her sit on his tusk. “So you know all about Gorehowl?” She asked.

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“Yes, I know many great things about him and his people.”

“Gorehowl never told me about his past. The only things he did tell me is that he was once part of the great Imakoo Empire” Said Rosemary. The guardian looked at her. “I could tell you something about his past” it said.

“One day, about…four-hundred, no, seven-hundred…argh! Yes I remember now, it was almost nine-hundred years ago he came here to the Sanctuary. He was bloodied and beaten, just within an inch of his life. My nieces and nephews nursed him back to health in a matter of months. However he was a rather defiant Imakoo, once he even attacked me! It took all of my nephews and nieces to subdue him!” The guardian said, telling his tale. “We learned that his people were exterminated in the hands of the humans and that he suffered nightmares and traumas from that event.”

“Wow, tell me more” Said Rosemary, as she was spellbound to the tale. “Very well, I suppose I can. As Gorehowl was still recuperating, the dryads, my nieces, were able to save him from madness. They healed his mind, most of the traumas that alienated him were expelled and he was better able to control his rage and. By the time he fully recuperated he did not know what to do or where to go. If he went to the human’s lands he could be easily killed, so for the next few hundred years he waited and bided his time here and after a while he set off on a long journey. He went to Sapphire fjord and struck a bargain with the Hydiests, the Hydiests granted him vast longevity. After that he delved into the Great Scar and managed to talk the Shadows into granting him immunity from all forms of harmful magic. Finally he traveled to the mountains; there he trained with the Earthen and in doing so he became much stronger than an average Imakoo and he became highly resilient to physical pain. Shortly after that he was reluctant to study all of the human’s military ways, morales, and ideals. This gave him many strategies when confronting humans. When he returned here, he was much, much more powerful than when he had left.”

Rosemary couldn’t believe it; did Gorehowl really make this arduous journey all those years ago? Was he really the last of his kind? There were so many questions to ask.

“Guardian, what’s your name?” asked Rosemary. “My name is Erutan” He said.

“Oh, umm… Who are the Hydeists, the Shadows and Earthen?”

“The Hydeists, our distant cousins, are water spirits. They live in the Sapphire fjord since the humans drove them out from most of the lakes and seas. The Shadows are soulless entities that dwell in the Great scars. The Scars are titanic valleys in the most eastern part of the world. They hold many of the world’s darkest and unknown secrets. The Earthen are rock spirits that live in the greatest mountains to the north-east. They hold many treasures and lost knowledge gathered from the millennia.” Erutan explained.

“Ah, I must make haste. My aunts are growing restless. They never do like guests…” Erutan said as he quickened his pace. The trees around him parted as he made this way through. Rosemary was still sitting on his tusk. Strange, these tusks had the same hieroglyphs as Gorehowl’s right

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shoulder. “Hey Erutan, can you tell me about Gorehowl’s markings?” She asked. “Hmm, inquisitive girl aren’t you? Very well, the markings around his chest and back are from his people. The markings around his shoulders represent his purpose as a guardian.

A couple hours passed. Rosemary and Erutan reached the great trees. “Gorehowl! Get down from there! You are disturbing my aunts!” Erutan called out in a booming voice. Rosemary jumped down from his tusks. Gorehowl heard his call and leapt from the tree. He landed on his feet and walked towards Erutan.

“It’s been…too long my friend” Gorehowl said as he bowed. He bowed down far enough that his chest nearly touched the ground. “You may rise, Imakoo. No need to bow down to me anymore” Erutan said. Gorehowl stood up. He was dwarfed by the sanctuary Guardian. It was pretty funny.

“Why have you come here, old friend?” Erutan asked as he leaned down. “The Hunters saw us a couple nights ago and I fear they are still in pursuit. So I wondered if we can stay here for a while.” Gorehowl explained.

Erutan stroked his “beard” for a good amount of time. “Well…?” Gorehowl sighed. “Ok” Erutan said bluntly. He turned around and walked from the same direction he and Rosemary came from.

Gorehowl and Rosemary followed. “So I guess we can call this home sweet home?” said Rosemary, smiling. “Hmm” Gorehowl shrugged. Rosemary hopped on his back.

“Lazy girl” He said. She simply giggled at the statement, “Saying that won’t change anything!” Rosemary exclaimed. Gorehowl cracked a rare smile. “Let’s go, I shouldn’t keep Erutan’s nieces waiting” He said as he followed behind Erutan. “Hmm, his nieces seem nice. I’d like to meet them!” Rosemary said. Gorehowl gave a chuckle. “Be careful when you are with them…They are…playful at times”.

Erutan trudged through the forest floor, avoiding trees that did not move out of the way of his path. Rosemary mounted off and walked along side Gorehowl, looking at the surroundings. She could see other trees moving back to their original positions. Some of the trees had eyes and gave her a look of interest before going back to sleep, trees really loved to sleep. It wasn’t long until she started hearing voices echoing through the forest. The voices were feminine. “Hey Gorehowl, are those the dryads?” She asked. “Yes, I recognize their voices. Though it’s not usual hearing them at this time of day” said Gorehowl, keeping his stride. The voices would come and go, but they were not a nuisance.

As Night fall approached, Erutan stopped in his tracks and sat down in an open patch in the forest. Rosemary dropped to the ground from exhaustion and quickly fell asleep. Erutan chuckled at the human and turned his attention to Gorehowl as he stroked his beard. “How long will you be here?”

“Not too long. The Hunters that we encountered were…dispatched.” Gorehowl replied. Erutan let out a deep sigh. “So, you still hold a grudge against the humans I see…”

[Senvae]

Ok, since it was clear that the story was posted to receive constructive criticism, I decided to graciously donate help for this. I love encouraging new talents.

Before I dive into the technical stuff, I will start off by saying I loved your story. You have a set of unique characters set in an imaginative world. However you should really be careful to give more descriptions since this world is obviously new to the readers.

Now for the fun part! I won't do the whole text but I decided to go back in the earlier pages and pick a few choice examples to help me illustrate my meanings.

#1- My first thought is that Gorehowl was described physically and not Rosemary. It was also difficult to follow if the text is written by her point of view or Gorehowl's. Even though the text is 3rd person POV, choosing a protagonist is important to set up character development. When you make the readers see the world through the eyes of a character, it begins to grow into them, and they share the character's feelings. If you want to present both of them, you could try switching the POV from one chapter to the next. That's what I personally chose to do.

#2- You should always separate dialogs so the readers can follow avidly. One paragraph for every character. If the same character continues an idea uninterrupted, then you can keep it all in the same paragraph. Here is an example:

You wrote:

“We’ll be their soon Gorehowl” She assured. Gorehowl let out a growling scoff. “You said that five months ago”. He re-entered his ghostly form and disappeared into the trees. “I’m sorry! Just be patient.” Rosemary demanded. She removed her shoes and massaged her aching feet, lied down and dozed off.

Could be:

“We’ll be their soon Gorehowl” She assured. Gorehowl let out a growling scoff.

“You said that five months ago”. He re-entered his ghostly form and disappeared into the trees.

“I’m sorry! Just be patient.” Rosemary demanded. She removed her shoes and massaged her aching feet, lied down and dozed off.

#3- Just a small comment here:

The woman was a gypsy. Rosemary approached her with curiosity, she’s always been intrigued by these women that were able to foresee future events.

Gypsy are often related to myths as such, but perhaps if you mentioned she was a gypsy witch or seeress, would be clearer for the readers. I personally imaged her simply as a poor nomad, which is the original definition. So when you mentioned about Rosemary's curiosity, it felt like she was being judgmental, thought I doubt it was your intention since the woman actually was a seeress.

#4- The most important part of your development as a writer will be building a descriptive and structurally diverse style. Sentence structures and their variations are the most important part of becoming a pro, so you should always keep and eye out for it. Reading books and continuing to write will improve you over time, but I will give you a few examples so you can understand exactly what I mean. I hope you won't feel too embarassed, but this should help in a significant way.

You wrote:

She could just about ask many questions about these features, but the last time she did it she was denied any information.

Could be:

Rosemary's unyielding curiosity filled her head with a barrage of questions, however her last attempt to inquire them to Gorehowl had been met with a squelching glare.

You wrote:

Rosemary didn’t mind him leaving; she understood his need for open space.

(Try and avoid using semi-columns for a prettier and smoother text. Also let me show you an opportunity to progress character development. In this sentence I will make the readers feel as if this is a recurring gesture of Gorehowl's.)

Example:

Rosemary never bothered herself with his nightly departures, sympathizing with his claustrophobia spawned of modern civilizations.

You wrote:

She never liked attention from strangers…that and coughing up a cup of alcohol in public didn’t seem so “lady-like” (in their standards) or polite.

(Sometimes we tend to write the way we talk, but to help with your sentence structures, here is another good example to avoid this knot.)

Attention from strangers had always made her feel uncomfortable, furthermore coughing up a cup of mead in public was less than chivalrous to their standards, or even unbecoming for a young lady.

You wrote:

The warrior was slightly taller than her so it meant he couldn’t have been much older or younger than she was.

That sentence was just confusing, try reforming it. If you say someone could be younger or older, it negates itself and become a rather useless statement.

I hope this will be of great help to you in the future,a nd good luck with your writing.

[GreyFoX]

Originally Posted by Senvae

Ok, since it was clear that the story was posted to receive constructive criticism, I decided to graciously donate help for this. I love encouraging new talents.

Before I dive into the technical stuff, I will start off by saying I loved your story. You have a set of unique characters set in an imaginative world. However you should really be careful to give more descriptions since this world is obviously new to the readers.

Now for the fun part! I won't do the whole text but I decided to go back in the earlier pages and pick a few choice examples to help me illustrate my meanings.

#1- My first thought is that Gorehowl was described physically and not Rosemary. It was also difficult to follow if the text is written by her point of view or Gorehowl's. Even though the text is 3rd person POV, choosing a protagonist is important to set up character development. When you make the readers see the world through the eyes of a character, it begins to grow into them, and they share the character's feelings. If you want to present both of them, you could try switching the POV from one chapter to the next. That's what I personally chose to do.

#2- You should always separate dialogs so the readers can follow avidly. One paragraph for every character. If the same character continues an idea uninterrupted, then you can keep it all in the same paragraph. Here is an example:

You wrote:



Could be:

“We’ll be their soon Gorehowl” She assured. Gorehowl let out a growling scoff.

“You said that five months ago”. He re-entered his ghostly form and disappeared into the trees.

“I’m sorry! Just be patient.” Rosemary demanded. She removed her shoes and massaged her aching feet, lied down and dozed off.

#3- Just a small comment here:



Gypsy are often related to myths as such, but perhaps if you mentioned she was a gypsy witch or seeress, would be clearer for the readers. I personally imaged her simply as a poor nomad, which is the original definition. So when you mentioned about Rosemary's curiosity, it felt like she was being judgmental, thought I doubt it was your intention since the woman actually was a seeress.

#4- The most important part of your development as a writer will be building a descriptive and structurally diverse style. Sentence structures and their variations are the most important part of becoming a pro, so you should always keep and eye out for it. Reading books and continuing to write will improve you over time, but I will give you a few examples so you can understand exactly what I mean. I hope you won't feel too embarassed, but this should help in a significant way.

You wrote:



Could be:

Rosemary's unyielding curiosity filled her head with a barrage of questions, however her last attempt to inquire them to Gorehowl had been met with a squelching glare.

You wrote:



(Try and avoid using semi-columns for a prettier and smoother text. Also let me show you an opportunity to progress character development. In this sentence I will make the readers feel as if this is a recurring gesture of Gorehowl's.)

Example:

Rosemary never bothered herself with his nightly departures, sympathizing with his claustrophobia spawned of modern civilizations.

You wrote:



(Sometimes we tend to write the way we talk, but to help with your sentence structures, here is another good example to avoid this knot.)

Attention from strangers had always made her feel uncomfortable, furthermore coughing up a cup of mead in public was less than chivalrous to their standards, or even unbecoming for a young lady.

You wrote:



That sentence was just confusing, try reforming it. If you say someone could be younger or older, it negates itself and become a rather useless statement.

I hope this will be of great help to you in the future,a nd good luck with your writing.

THANK YOU!!!!

<3 you forever man xD

[Senvae]

You are welcome. If you want to read some good books to improve your writing, I suggest George RR Martin's "A Game of Thrones". He is a great writer and the story plot is simply put: flabbergasting!

[GreyFoX]

sweet! I'll see if he's in my school library xD

[kickkcik]

wth are you writing a book its longer than mine ^^ good job

[GreyFoX]

Originally Posted by kickkcik

wth are you writing a book its longer than mine ^^ good job

Yeah, I'm writting a book...well "Typing" would be a better word..since my hand-writting is utter crap (no seriously).

And I try to update it once a day (atleast).