Espionage- chapter 1

Wixern · 01-16-2008, 04:57 PM

Espionage

Author’s note: This will be an ongoing story, split into many parts. As usual, it will contain large walls of texts, although I must admit that there will be less of a storyline. Also, if any names of characters or places match real-life people or places than I’m not aware of that. It’s not my fault. In case there's any confusion, this story is meant to be humorous, and I hope it won't offend anyone.

Chapter 1: Meet the spies

It was Christmas evening, and the world was covered in a coat of snow. Or, at least, those parts that aren’t too hot to melt away all the snow were. Christmas lights decorated the planet and made shapes and figures, which were fun to look at, but boring when you realized what else was going on. Because down there, on that planet, was a man. A man who had more mystery than the things you leave at the back of your refrigerator.

This man’s name was Want. Donot Want. He had lived a normal childhood, filled with joy and happiness, and then he grew up. As he grew up, he obtained a more realistic grip on the world and he drank himself into a cynic and bitter man. He lived a lonely live, but he had one thing that kept him going: his job. Because Want didn’t have an ordinary job (he got fired for calling his boss a “Bossy know-it-all with bells on” and went on to hurl profanity at the managers of a clothing shop.)
Want was a spy.
And no, he was not the kind of spy that sneaks in, gets detected and eventually rushes through legions of bad marksmen to kill the bad guy. He was a spy who sneaked into bases, stole the plans and left a thank-you note before leaving.

So far, Christmas had not been an amazingly happy time of the year for Want. Usually, even super villains take the holidays of to think up of some new idea to capture the world. It was the night before Christmas, however, that Want heard something ringing. Looking around his apartment, he checked his cell phone, his fax machine and his e-mail client (admittedly having to delete 45 spam messages in the process.)
He eventually tracked the sound down to his clothing closet. He opened the door and took out a top hat, looking suspiciously like that of a magician. It rang.
He opened the top of the hat and a small TV-screen greeted him. He sighed, and put the hat on his table. A voice spoke from the TV-screen.
‘Good evening, agent Want. I’m sorry to disturb your holiday, but we have a problem on our hands.’ Spoke a man. The audio of the TV was always quicker than the images, and that annoyed Want.
‘Hello, NYA,’ Want answered, addressing the chief of the spy organization H.Q., ‘I suppose I’m the one that’s supposed to take care of this problem?’

The screen poofed on (there was no other word for it) to reveal a chair, its back turned to the screen. From the sides of the chair was hair, which curled and sprang in every direction. Want had never seen the chief in person, and only knew his nickname. NYA, AKA Not You Again, named after what most agents said after being called for the umpteenth time. The chief cleared his throat, ready to deliver the news.
‘That’s right, Want. However, there is also something special about this mission. I want you, Want, to come over here ASAP.’
‘I don’t suppose I have a choice? I was planning to get some action tonight.’ Want said. It was a blatant lie, unless you call getting absolutely hammered and passing out on the couch “getting some action.”
‘Cancel it, Want. The world needs you.’

And with that message, the screen short-circuited and shut down. Want put the hat on, and donned his outfit. A grubby old overcoat, a worn pair of trousers and perhaps the most run-down shoes on the earth. As he walked over the snowy streets, he muttered to himself.
‘”The world needs you, Want. Protect the people, Want. Don’t puke on that, it’s antique, Want.” Just once, I’d like the world to get on without me. Let the people protect themselves, or even better, just let them die. Who cares if mankind gets destroyed? It’s not as if anyone’s going to complain when it happens.’

A snowball flew through the night air and collided with Want’s hat. It splattered, but the hat remained fixed on his head. Want turned around and saw the culprit, a twelve-year old boy, snow still on his gloves. He smiled and tapped his hat. A small ball rolled out of an opening and into his hand. He threw the ball to the boy, who caught it, and he walked away.
Several seconds later, he heard the scream of the boy as he tried to throw the ball away. Want smiled again, genuinely this time.
After a few minutes of walking, he reached a trash can and took off the lid. It was filled with garbage, and the smell curled his nose hairs.
‘Frikken’ idiots replaced the entrance again…’ he muttered, closing the trash can again and walking on. He eventually reached an old shack, and opened the door. He tapped the table twice, and it turned around, revealing a stairway which ran downwards. He stepped down the stairs, and eventually reached the halls of H.Q. Headquarters.

Wixern · 01-16-2008, 04:58 PM

Walking through the halls, Want noticed that no one was working. They didn’t do much normally, anyway, but on Christmas no one showed up. He walked up to the door of the chief and knocked. As usual, the door opened before his hand even reached the door, and he found himself cursing the motion-sensing technique. He entered the room and looked at the huge screen, showing the same chair as he had seen in his hat.
‘I’m here, NYA. What’s the big deal?’ Want asked.
‘I’m glad you asked. As of late, a lot of complaints have been filed about a certain barber shop.’
‘I don’t much care for haircuts either, but I don’t complain to the government about it.’
‘This is different, Want. People are disappearing from these shops. They come in, and no one ever sees them coming out.’
‘If your haircut sucks, I’d take the back door as well.’
‘Cut the jokes, Want.’
Want made a chucking sound, like an axe hitting a tree.
‘Anyway, Want. We want you to find these people. We are aware, however, of your lack of personal skills. It will be hard to find those people and get them to come with you. And so, we have found a partner for you.’
‘Let me guess. Another model-like woman, with shapes like balloons and a face like a decade worth of plastic surgery?’
‘Almost, Want. It is a woman. Would you kindly step forward, agent?’

At NYA’s command, a short figure stepped forward from the shadows. It wore a top hat, a black tuxedo and it looked at Want. Want looked back, blinking several times in order to ensure that he was seeing what his eyes were telling him.
‘That,’ he said, slowly, ‘Is a penguin.’
The penguin stepped forward again, its top hat wobbling unsurely on the round head. It lifted a flipper and gave what can only be called a salute.
‘Agent Donot Want, I want you to meet Agent Tux. Codename PENG-07. Agent Tux, this is agent Want, your new partner.’
‘Have you slipped on the ice, NYA? You can’t pair me with a penguin!’
‘We do not discriminate here at H.Q, Want. Are you saying that you’re too good to be working with agent Tux?’
‘Yes! I am a human! You cannot expect me to work with an animal!’
‘Why not? Police work with dogs. Farmers work with a variety of animals. And you work with a penguin. You’ll find that she is far more useful than you may think, Want.’

Want took another look at the penguin, his face a mixture of hopelessness, anger and surprise. Finally, he conceded, and extended his hand. If the world was going crazy, he though, than I might as well go with it. Tux shook his hand with his flipper, and turned to NYA again.
‘Oh, right, the briefing.’ NYA said, as though Tux had spoken a full sentence.
‘You are to go to the “Palace of Hair”, located in Holland, and investigate the place. You will go as customers, and try to sneak into the employee area. If you find anything, report using your tele-hats. You will be using the latest in car design. And with that, I wish you good luck, and a merry Christmas.’
The screen turned black, leaving Want with his new partner. Want sighed again, and beckoned the penguin to follow him.

They soon reached the gadget room. The normal distributor of gadgets had permanently retired after an incident with an automatic cheese grater/ machinegun. Agents were now supposed to select their own gadgets, and use their hats to carry it with them. The pair took a look at the car before them.
The Muixa Artsa. With a giant exhaust pipe system capable of turbo-boosts up to 500 kilometers an hour, built-in machine guns, millions of rounds of ammunition, with leather seats, airco, airbags, optimal wind resistance and all in a fashionable black chrome.
Want took place into the car, Tux taking a seat next to him. After some preparing, Want turned to the penguin.
‘I can’t drive this thing.’ He said. The penguin stared at him, and cocked her head sideways.
‘What I mean is,’ Want said, ‘that it doesn’t have any gas pedals. And I’m not sure, but I doubt there’s an engine in this thing.’

They got out of the car and looked at the car’s engine. It wasn’t there. Instead, there was a coffee machine, and some magazines which featured nudity in a big way. Tux made a disapproving clicking noise, and proceeded to make herself some coffee.
‘So, we have a top-of-the-line car, with levers and bells on, but it lacks a rather crucial component. It looks as though we’ll be flying, Tux.’
Tux looked at Want, a cup of steaming coffee in her curled flipper.
‘How did you do that?’ Want wondered, genuinely surprised, pointing at the cup of coffee. The penguin nodded at the coffee machine. She then held up the cup at Want.
‘No thanks, I’m not in the mood for coffee yet. We’d best get going, don’t you think?’
Tux nodded, and proceeded towards the exit. Want followed, and wondered what kind of life he was having, anyway.

Next chapter:
Our two spies arrive in Holland, the country of stereotypes! And also; how does a penguin order a haircut? Plus, we meet our evil villain! Be sure not to miss the next installment of Espionage

Scuba · 01-16-2008, 05:15 PM

a.... penguin.

i think you get a first on all of gunzfactor to have anything to DO with penguins

Wixern · 01-17-2008, 06:22 AM

I've done a lot with penguins, but that's best left untold. Anyway, I'll take that as a compliment. I'm busy on chapter 2 right now, which I hope to finish soon. And I will, if I can stop myself from slacking off.

Thanks for reading, anyway. I'm joining in on the "Fanfic-ressurection" thing that's going on.

01-16-2008, 04:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
Wixern Gunzfactorian Soldier Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: The Fan Fiction Section Posts: 944	Espionage- chapter 1 Espionage Author’s note: This will be an ongoing story, split into many parts. As usual, it will contain large walls of texts, although I must admit that there will be less of a storyline. Also, if any names of characters or places match real-life people or places than I’m not aware of that. It’s not my fault. In case there's any confusion, this story is meant to be humorous, and I hope it won't offend anyone. Chapter 1: Meet the spies It was Christmas evening, and the world was covered in a coat of snow. Or, at least, those parts that aren’t too hot to melt away all the snow were. Christmas lights decorated the planet and made shapes and figures, which were fun to look at, but boring when you realized what else was going on. Because down there, on that planet, was a man. A man who had more mystery than the things you leave at the back of your refrigerator. This man’s name was Want. Donot Want. He had lived a normal childhood, filled with joy and happiness, and then he grew up. As he grew up, he obtained a more realistic grip on the world and he drank himself into a cynic and bitter man. He lived a lonely live, but he had one thing that kept him going: his job. Because Want didn’t have an ordinary job (he got fired for calling his boss a “Bossy know-it-all with bells on” and went on to hurl profanity at the managers of a clothing shop.) Want was a spy. And no, he was not the kind of spy that sneaks in, gets detected and eventually rushes through legions of bad marksmen to kill the bad guy. He was a spy who sneaked into bases, stole the plans and left a thank-you note before leaving. So far, Christmas had not been an amazingly happy time of the year for Want. Usually, even super villains take the holidays of to think up of some new idea to capture the world. It was the night before Christmas, however, that Want heard something ringing. Looking around his apartment, he checked his cell phone, his fax machine and his e-mail client (admittedly having to delete 45 spam messages in the process.) He eventually tracked the sound down to his clothing closet. He opened the door and took out a top hat, looking suspiciously like that of a magician. It rang. He opened the top of the hat and a small TV-screen greeted him. He sighed, and put the hat on his table. A voice spoke from the TV-screen. ‘Good evening, agent Want. I’m sorry to disturb your holiday, but we have a problem on our hands.’ Spoke a man. The audio of the TV was always quicker than the images, and that annoyed Want. ‘Hello, NYA,’ Want answered, addressing the chief of the spy organization H.Q., ‘I suppose I’m the one that’s supposed to take care of this problem?’ The screen poofed on (there was no other word for it) to reveal a chair, its back turned to the screen. From the sides of the chair was hair, which curled and sprang in every direction. Want had never seen the chief in person, and only knew his nickname. NYA, AKA Not You Again, named after what most agents said after being called for the umpteenth time. The chief cleared his throat, ready to deliver the news. ‘That’s right, Want. However, there is also something special about this mission. I want you, Want, to come over here ASAP.’ ‘I don’t suppose I have a choice? I was planning to get some action tonight.’ Want said. It was a blatant lie, unless you call getting absolutely hammered and passing out on the couch “getting some action.” ‘Cancel it, Want. The world needs you.’ And with that message, the screen short-circuited and shut down. Want put the hat on, and donned his outfit. A grubby old overcoat, a worn pair of trousers and perhaps the most run-down shoes on the earth. As he walked over the snowy streets, he muttered to himself. ‘”The world needs you, Want. Protect the people, Want. Don’t puke on that, it’s antique, Want.” Just once, I’d like the world to get on without me. Let the people protect themselves, or even better, just let them die. Who cares if mankind gets destroyed? It’s not as if anyone’s going to complain when it happens.’ A snowball flew through the night air and collided with Want’s hat. It splattered, but the hat remained fixed on his head. Want turned around and saw the culprit, a twelve-year old boy, snow still on his gloves. He smiled and tapped his hat. A small ball rolled out of an opening and into his hand. He threw the ball to the boy, who caught it, and he walked away. Several seconds later, he heard the scream of the boy as he tried to throw the ball away. Want smiled again, genuinely this time. After a few minutes of walking, he reached a trash can and took off the lid. It was filled with garbage, and the smell curled his nose hairs. ‘Frikken’ idiots replaced the entrance again…’ he muttered, closing the trash can again and walking on. He eventually reached an old shack, and opened the door. He tapped the table twice, and it turned around, revealing a stairway which ran downwards. He stepped down the stairs, and eventually reached the halls of H.Q. Headquarters. __________________ Ijji Gunz: Wixern- level 50+ (Penguins) Revolver fanatic. TheRapist- level 50+ (Waffle) Revolver Lunatic.

01-16-2008, 04:58 PM	#2 (permalink)
Wixern Gunzfactorian Soldier Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: The Fan Fiction Section Posts: 944	Re: Espionage- chapter 1 Walking through the halls, Want noticed that no one was working. They didn’t do much normally, anyway, but on Christmas no one showed up. He walked up to the door of the chief and knocked. As usual, the door opened before his hand even reached the door, and he found himself cursing the motion-sensing technique. He entered the room and looked at the huge screen, showing the same chair as he had seen in his hat. ‘I’m here, NYA. What’s the big deal?’ Want asked. ‘I’m glad you asked. As of late, a lot of complaints have been filed about a certain barber shop.’ ‘I don’t much care for haircuts either, but I don’t complain to the government about it.’ ‘This is different, Want. People are disappearing from these shops. They come in, and no one ever sees them coming out.’ ‘If your haircut sucks, I’d take the back door as well.’ ‘Cut the jokes, Want.’ Want made a chucking sound, like an axe hitting a tree. ‘Anyway, Want. We want you to find these people. We are aware, however, of your lack of personal skills. It will be hard to find those people and get them to come with you. And so, we have found a partner for you.’ ‘Let me guess. Another model-like woman, with shapes like balloons and a face like a decade worth of plastic surgery?’ ‘Almost, Want. It is a woman. Would you kindly step forward, agent?’ At NYA’s command, a short figure stepped forward from the shadows. It wore a top hat, a black tuxedo and it looked at Want. Want looked back, blinking several times in order to ensure that he was seeing what his eyes were telling him. ‘That,’ he said, slowly, ‘Is a penguin.’ The penguin stepped forward again, its top hat wobbling unsurely on the round head. It lifted a flipper and gave what can only be called a salute. ‘Agent Donot Want, I want you to meet Agent Tux. Codename PENG-07. Agent Tux, this is agent Want, your new partner.’ ‘Have you slipped on the ice, NYA? You can’t pair me with a penguin!’ ‘We do not discriminate here at H.Q, Want. Are you saying that you’re too good to be working with agent Tux?’ ‘Yes! I am a human! You cannot expect me to work with an animal!’ ‘Why not? Police work with dogs. Farmers work with a variety of animals. And you work with a penguin. You’ll find that she is far more useful than you may think, Want.’ Want took another look at the penguin, his face a mixture of hopelessness, anger and surprise. Finally, he conceded, and extended his hand. If the world was going crazy, he though, than I might as well go with it. Tux shook his hand with his flipper, and turned to NYA again. ‘Oh, right, the briefing.’ NYA said, as though Tux had spoken a full sentence. ‘You are to go to the “Palace of Hair”, located in Holland, and investigate the place. You will go as customers, and try to sneak into the employee area. If you find anything, report using your tele-hats. You will be using the latest in car design. And with that, I wish you good luck, and a merry Christmas.’ The screen turned black, leaving Want with his new partner. Want sighed again, and beckoned the penguin to follow him. They soon reached the gadget room. The normal distributor of gadgets had permanently retired after an incident with an automatic cheese grater/ machinegun. Agents were now supposed to select their own gadgets, and use their hats to carry it with them. The pair took a look at the car before them. The Muixa Artsa. With a giant exhaust pipe system capable of turbo-boosts up to 500 kilometers an hour, built-in machine guns, millions of rounds of ammunition, with leather seats, airco, airbags, optimal wind resistance and all in a fashionable black chrome. Want took place into the car, Tux taking a seat next to him. After some preparing, Want turned to the penguin. ‘I can’t drive this thing.’ He said. The penguin stared at him, and cocked her head sideways. ‘What I mean is,’ Want said, ‘that it doesn’t have any gas pedals. And I’m not sure, but I doubt there’s an engine in this thing.’ They got out of the car and looked at the car’s engine. It wasn’t there. Instead, there was a coffee machine, and some magazines which featured nudity in a big way. Tux made a disapproving clicking noise, and proceeded to make herself some coffee. ‘So, we have a top-of-the-line car, with levers and bells on, but it lacks a rather crucial component. It looks as though we’ll be flying, Tux.’ Tux looked at Want, a cup of steaming coffee in her curled flipper. ‘How did you do that?’ Want wondered, genuinely surprised, pointing at the cup of coffee. The penguin nodded at the coffee machine. She then held up the cup at Want. ‘No thanks, I’m not in the mood for coffee yet. We’d best get going, don’t you think?’ Tux nodded, and proceeded towards the exit. Want followed, and wondered what kind of life he was having, anyway. Next chapter: Our two spies arrive in Holland, the country of stereotypes! And also; how does a penguin order a haircut? Plus, we meet our evil villain! Be sure not to miss the next installment of Espionage __________________ Ijji Gunz: Wixern- level 50+ (Penguins) Revolver fanatic. TheRapist- level 50+ (Waffle) Revolver Lunatic.

01-16-2008, 05:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
Scuba Gunzfactorian Hero Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Vancouver, Washington Posts: 3,521 Scuba's GamerBio	Re: Espionage- chapter 1 a.... penguin. i think you get a first on all of gunzfactor to have anything to DO with penguins __________________ Crimson Tides Chapter 1 ThrowTheFight Band Fan BlackBird Fan GTDRPG William GTDRPG Taal

01-17-2008, 06:22 AM	#4 (permalink)
Wixern Gunzfactorian Soldier Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: The Fan Fiction Section Posts: 944	Re: Espionage- chapter 1 I've done a lot with penguins, but that's best left untold. Anyway, I'll take that as a compliment. I'm busy on chapter 2 right now, which I hope to finish soon. And I will, if I can stop myself from slacking off. Thanks for reading, anyway. I'm joining in on the "Fanfic-ressurection" thing that's going on. __________________ Ijji Gunz: Wixern- level 50+ (Penguins) Revolver fanatic. TheRapist- level 50+ (Waffle) Revolver Lunatic.