Halloween story

[Wixern]

GunZ Halloween Story

[#]


Writer’s commentary (also known as “where I place my gibberish rants")

A soon-to-be annual tradition, I am planning to write short stories for certain holidays and/ or other significant days. I did so last year, and am planning to continue on doing so. That being said, I think we can move on to the story. No, wait. I think I need to thank someone, in case I forget doing so at the end. Here it is, then: Thanks to Destro for inspiring my Halloween story this year. We need to have another one of those conversations somewhere in the near future.
Now, we can move on to the story at hand.

A Midnight Waffle

It was the day of Halloween, and it was rather sunny for an Autumn afternoon. A fresh breeze swept through the streets of the almost completely abandoned Town. It carries no leaves, for there were no trees in the nearby area. Presumably, people stocked up quite a bit of firewood in these areas. It did, however, carry the smells of something fishy, which had nothing to do with the fish merchant being in town. Far from the centre of the tiny town, in a place called “the bunker” by virtually everyone, stood Captain Yahtzee.


Yahtzee had been one of those people who seemed to be destined to become a policeman of sorts. He had a moustache which drooped around his mouth, making it look as though he was fixed in a permanent sad state. He also had a natural affinity towards donuts, though by nature’s bastard ways, he was still skinny and athletic, a complete set of emotions ranging from indifferent to ignorant, and he had a partner. He also had a crime on his hands right now which was unlike anything else he’d ever seen in his twenty years of policing.
‘Janice? Where in the ruddy hell are you?’ Yahtzee bellowed, illustrating his lack of friendliness and his tendency to combine swearwords of certain levels and degrees.
‘What is it, chief?’ a female voice called out, causing Yahtzee to look around and jump into the air in shock, like he’d seen a ghost.

What he had seen was, in fact, Janice. Admittedly, she may have been scary with certain light effects, sound effects and a change of environment, but right now she was wearing a pumpkin head. Through the smile in the carved fruit you could see her own smile, which was not unlike that of a kitten. A cute kitten. A kitten people would take pictures of and place funny captions next to.
Janice had been working with Yahtzee for as long as she could remember, and definitely longer than that. She’d gotten used to his inability to express emotions which came normal to other people, his constant whining and his love for donuts. He made up for it by being strangely attractive, cynical and humoristic. Besides, he wore a Captain’s leather jacket, and that was one thing she could fall for right away.


‘Would you stop dressing up like some sort of gibbery twat?’ Yahtzee remarked.
‘But it’s Halloween, chief. You can’t expect me to go around without dressing up as something.’ the pumpkin said, sounding strangely hollow.
‘It ain’t Halloween yet, Jan. Besides, you’re already dressed. As a policewoman! So get that thing of your skull and take a look at this!’
Yahtzee waved a brownish, strangely-shaped thing before Janice’s eyes so fast that she couldn’t even properly see it. She took off the pumpkin head and took another glance.
‘A… Waffle, chief? I thought you liked donuts?’
‘Could you use some god-bloody-rushed-darned-blimey-sense? This waffle is a person!’

At this remark, Janice stood still and watched the waffle. It did nothing, except hang loosely in the Captain’s hands. She prodded it, but no movement occurred, other than some dough hanging onto her finger.
‘I can’t say I’m seeing it here, chief. Looks like a perfectly ordinary waffle to me. How about we heat it up and split it in two?’ Janice said, licking the dough of her finger.
‘You cannibal. You can’t just eat people like that.’
‘Waffles aren’t people.’ Janice pointed out helpfully.
‘That’s what them K-stylers said about Dagger users. And now look at the situation. Now, let me explain about this waffle. Just several minutes ago, there were two people here. One was dressed rather oddly, wearing a top hat and a trench coat. Whoever it was had been speaking with one of the merchants from the main square. I thought it was just a business dealing and let it slip. However, as I returned from some pressing donut-retrieving, I found that the stranger had gone, and that the merchant had disappeared as well. All I found was this waffle, which was laying here all by itself.’ Yahtzee finished.

‘Well?’ He added, looking at Janice’s surprised face.
‘I’m just surprised it survived, chief. This town ain’t no place for a waffle, and you know it.’ she said, putting on a fake cowboy accent.
‘One chance, Janice. Be serious, or I’ll have you thrown back to peeling potatoes in the prison.’
‘Fine, chief. I’m just wondering if that waffle is all the evidence you’ve got. I mean, the merchant may just have dropped it and walked off, right?’
Yahtzee smiled, though it was hard to notice through the moustache. He then produced another item from his pockets and presented it to Janice.
‘A… It’s a… Hold on, I know this one. It’s one of them whatchamacallits…’ Janice struggled.
‘Quite. What we have here is, in fact, a merchant symbol of trade. This symbolizes the legal right to stand with your wares spread before you, shouting that they’re the best goods around.’ Yahtzee explained.
‘Ahh… Now I see. There’s no way a merchant would go around without that in his pocket, right?’
‘True enough, Janice. That leaves us with the next few questions: Why did this man turn into a waffle, who did this, how did they do this, and who was the one with the top hat and long coat?’
‘That’s a lot of questions, chief. You sure you can remember all of them?’
‘I could write them on this waffle, but that would be violation of private property. Let’s get going, shall we?’


As the two officers left the scene, another figure came running in. From below a top hat smirked a mischievous smile. Another person came dashing in, wearing a casual setup. The two looked at each other and held up their palms. A strange sign was written on both of their palms. If looked at, it might have looked a bit like this: [#]
The two lowered their arms and spoke to each other.
‘Praise be unto the lord of Waffle.’
‘Recite the ritual of Waffle, and let waffle rejoice.’
‘No. The ritual of Waffle is sacred and shall not be waffled unless in the holy temples.’
‘Good. You have studied the lore of Waffle.’
‘Indeed I have. What about the wafflemen?’
‘They pose no Waffle. We shall soon bewaffle them, as commanded by the great lord of Waffle.’
‘Very well. Then let us end this ritual with the Waffle closing.’

After this exchange of words, the two stood facing each other for around five minutes, not moving a muscle. Eventually, one of them blinked, and they ran off.


At the library of the Town, which is always hermetically closed due to stray rockets flying in and damaging the books, the two policemen stood, paging through some of the books they had been handed through the doors of the library.
‘Well, this is all interesting and fun, but I really don’t think you asked for the right books, Janice.’ Yahtzee remarked, flipping through “Waffles and how to make them.”
‘Well, I asked for all books about Waffles they had. Personally, I am rather interested in how to make these “Waffle-shaped marshmallow compressions”.’
‘Let me address that half-witted librarian this time, okay?’
‘Go ahead, chief.’
Yahtzee walked up to the door and knocked the official policeman’s knock. This consisted primarily of knocking once and then shouting out “Open up, in the name of the law!”
The door opened slightly, revealing the eyes of a man.
‘What is it? I already have you your books, right? Now get out before I get one of them rockets flying into my books again!’ The elderly voice quavered.
‘Sir? I think you may have misunderstood my colleague, which is understandable considering that you’re half-deaf and she’s half-dumb, but I think I need to clarify anyway. I would like all books concerning Waffles and strange occults around them.’
‘And what makes you think I would get them for you after you treat me like this?’
‘I know some people who know some people who can get in touch with the Walcom factory which, as you know, produces a line of high-quality rocket launchers…’ Yahtzee ended the sentence slowly, watching the man walk back into his library.

[Wixern]

Several minutes later, Yahtzee and Janice sat down, each with a large pile of books next to them. They spent some time researching them, until they finally found one book which summarized exactly what they needed to know*.
‘Would you listen to this nonsense, chief? There’s actually a cult of religion built on waffles! Here, let me read some of this stuff… And thus the Waffle lord did not speak unto his followers. Instead, he shaped himself into existence by materializing within this world as the deliciousness awesomeness that we all know as a Waffle. The Waffle lord contains great power, and so there are rituals to be performed in his honour. One of these rituals is to…’

Yahtzee looked up from his own book, looking at Janice.
‘Well? What rituals?’
‘I can’t say, chief. The page’s been ripped out and replaced by a waffle.’ Janice said, holding up a delicious brown waffle.
‘I think that’s our clue. What’s this cult’s name?’
‘Uhhm… Waffle, chief. Just Waffle.’
‘Straightforward kind of cult, isn’t it?’
‘I think that we need to-‘
Before finishing her sentence, a scream issued from nearby. The two officers jumped into action and slowly made their way to the scream. After all, it might not be that serious, and there’s no need to waste energy before you know what’s going on.


When they arrived at the scene, they saw a woman, standing at what appeared to be a small marketplace, though there were no actual people to speak of.
‘Well, well, well, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?’ Yahtzee inquired, in his usual tone of business.
‘L-l-look!’ the woman stuttered, pointing at a pile of stuff.
When inspected closely, the pile appeared to have been made entirely out of waffles.
‘Well, ma’am, can’t help you there. There’s no law against trying to sell your waffles. Though a pile seems bloody inconvenient.’ Yahtzee stated.
‘That’s my husband!’
‘You must have an extremely happy marriage, ma’am.’
‘You don’t understand! My husband’s one of those waffles! All of the merchants here have been turned into waffles!’
‘Really? No wonder it’s so quiet in here. But not to worry, ma’am. My partner and I are already on the job.’

Yahtzee turned around and walked off, leaving the woman behind. However, two steps further he turned around after hearing a sound. There was no one there, however, except for Janice and a waffle. And a female in a top hat and a trench coat. She waved, and a symbol on the palm of her hand became visible.
‘Chief! That’s the Waffle symbol! She must be one of the cultists!’ Janice exclaimed, reaching for her firearm. Yahtzee, however, pushed down her arm and addressed the stranger.
‘Excuse me, ma’am. Are you perchance aware of the Waffle cult?’
‘Praise be unto the lord of Waffles.’ was the only reply.
‘All nice and dandy, but do you know anything?’
‘The sacrifices for the lord of Waffles are prepared.’
‘I see. And those sacrifices would be the people you turned into waffles?’
Rather than replying, the female held up her hand and displayed the symbol once more. She then turned around and started running.


‘Now, we give chase.’ Yahtzee said, dashing after the long trench coat. Janice followed him, her gun ready in case there would be any problems. They ran for quite a while, taking tours and detours. Night started falling and the chase went on in the dark. After several hours of tiring chase, the figure disappeared into a dark alleyway. Janice ran into it first, having left Yahtzee behind to catch his breath. As Yahtzee approached, however, all he saw was a flash of light which nearly blinded him.
He ran into the alleyway, where now stood only the strange Waffle woman. She was holding a fresh waffle in her hand, and took a bite.
‘… You. You… what..?’ Yahtzee stuttered.
‘This is a delicious waffle. You must try it.’ the woman said calmly, proffering the waffle to Yahtzee.
‘You gosh-darned-golly-horrific-murdering-*****! I’LL KILL YOU!’ Yahtzee said, coming back to reality. He drew his gun and took aim at the woman. At this time, however, he was unable to shoot. This was because another woman had come from above and had knocked him unconscious.


Several hours of darkness later, Yahtzee woke up. He was in some sort of dungeon, and as far as he could tell, he wasn’t tied up or imprisoned, or a waffle. He looked up and saw the two woman near a large altar. Dozens of other masked figures were there as well. Each of them was holding some sort of small object, and the whole place smelled faintly of fresh bakeries. Yahtzee came closer and sat next to one of the masked men. He recognized the man immediately as one of the local merchants by the broche he wore, though there seemed something different about him, safe for the fact that he was sitting among dozens of masked people praising a baked delicacy. He listened as one of the two women in front spoke, her voice resonating throughout the caverns.
‘My fellow Wafflites! We have all brought praise unto the Waffle lord! We have brought him sacrifices, and he has shown great joy! Now, we shall all sacrifice ourselves to the greater Waffle! Everyone, prepare your waffle!’

All the masked figures brought the waffles to their mouths. Upon the next command, they all bit down, and the soft sounds of munching arose from the room. Shortly afterwards, all of the figures fell down with a soft thud, which collected and became one giant thump. It was as if someone had squeezed all of the life out of the room, which was basically true. Yahtzee realized that he was the only one still sitting, and stood up. He watched the two women at the front and felt a rage rising inside.

‘YOU!’ He shouted, his voice booming through the caverns and echoing back and forth.
‘I really don’t think you should shout like that.’ The woman with the top hat said.
‘True enough. The waffle lord does not encourage anger.’ The second woman added.
‘I don’t bloody care! You murder my partner and eat her in front of me! You slaughter dozens of people for your sick little religion!’
‘We merely turned them into greater beings. Waffles are the epitome of perfection.’
‘Indeed. Your dear partner survived, though in a different shape.’
‘I don’t ruddy care for your god-darned apologies! You two are under arrest! Either you come with me now or I’ll shoot you both! You hear me!?’
‘Oh dear. You seem like you need a waffle. Would you perhaps like a fresh one?’
‘NO! I don’t want your waffles! I don’t want your cult, and I don’t want your murders!’

Suddenly, the attitude of the two women shifted. They became less bubble-headed. Their mischievous grins turned into frowns, and their voices became a lot more clear and direct.
‘Are you saying…’
‘… That you do not believe…’
‘…In the Waffle Lord?’ The two women spoke, each finishing the other’s sentence.
‘Yes! I do not believe in a Lord of soft snacks! And if I would, then it would be one of donuts!’ Yahtzee exclaimed exasperatedly.
‘You speak of blasphemy, stranger!’
‘Are you prepared to defend yourself?’
‘What are you blabbering about?’


In a split second, the two women had come off their altar. One now stood behind Yahtzee, holding a dagger to his neck. The other one, which was the one wearing the top hat and trench coat, held a revolver to his forehead.
‘Death to the dis-believer!’
‘Glory is Waffle! Let his death be swift!’
Yahtzee kicked backwards, releasing himself from the woman’s grip. He walked backwards and drew handgun. Or he would have, if this hadn’t been taken from him. He expected the women to come at him, to stab and shoot him; to kill him like they had killed Janice.
Instead, the two women paced backwards. Their mischievous smiles returned, though there seemed more behind them now.

The woman holding the dagger swiftly slashed through the air, severing a black rope which had, up till then, been concealed. The other woman shot at a point somewhere near the ceiling of the dungeon.
A rumbling sound arose from above Yahtzee. He looked up, and saw a large piece of rock coming down. It seemed oddly shaped, like a waffle. He looked back at the two women, who were smiling and waving at him oddly. For a split second, he could have sworn he saw a pumpkin head on one of them.
‘This is it, then, Janice. End of watch, end of patrol. I’ll be seeing you.’ Yahtzee said deflated.
Tons of stone fell upon him, and the world went black.


The two women looked at each other and showed their palms again.
‘We have sacrificed unto the Lord of Waffles. Let us close our ritual as usual.’
‘May your waffle be blessed.’
The two then stood staring at each other for several minutes. Eventually, the woman holding the dagger blinked. She smiled, as did the other woman, who aimed her revolver and pulled the trigger. The dagger woman went down with a smile on her face and a hole in her head.
‘And so the Halloween ritual of Waffle is completed. Praise be unto the lord of Waffles.’ said the woman, and she walked off, leaving the dungeon and all of its victims.



THE END.


*Note: This always happen. No matter if you have two or more books about the same subject, one will always contain the information you need, and the other will contain the same information in a more compressed term. It’s just the universe’s way of screwing with your precious time.



Author’s comments:
No waffles were hurt during the writing of this piece of work. All use of names, waffles, faces, pieces of text and quotes from the story are allowed by me, since I know that saying it’s illegal will only cause more people to steal it and use it as their own. Just remember to mention me. Extra credits to Destro once again, because he inspired me. Also, a big thanks to you, the reader, to my computer, who did a lot of work, and to my music, which kept me up despite my will to go to bed.

[Junji]

aw..haloween good!haha
tnx
nice good job woot

[Nosedagger]

Added to listings, bish.

[PoisonMist]

Halloweenn!

[MDK]

Hallow's Eve !

[Ailysa]

Lawl.

Not one of your best pieces (I could see it was rushed), but still amusing.


/waffles!

[goodboy5]

A very good story.