A Rifle's Tale

[Devilznight]

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Gunshots and blood was all that this young man was used to. His creamy blonde hair slightly covered the sky-blue eyes that lit his face. With these eyes, he had seen the carnage that war can create. Families destroyed, friendships lost, and innocent people losing their lives. It was a terrible thing to be apart of, but he felt that he must do his duty. If he hid in the shadows, he would feel guilty if he didn't help the cause he truly believed in. He sighed deeply while he stared down at a lifeless corpse that laid before him, and silently crept along the dirt road that was covered in the blood of both enemies and allies.

His name was Mark Pertala. His life is mainly focused on the wars that he was forced into. He never met his parents, or any of his family members. Mark was forced to learn to live in a battle-torn world where only the strong survive. At age 6 he held his first gun. When he reached 10, he was an excellent shooter with aim that is only matched by the most elite snipers and soldiers. When he was 15, he joined the army of Axium, where he was trained under the harshest conditions. Like every other young man who joined the service, he sweat, he bled, and felt pain. He was one of the elite during his time, and when he reached age 19, he was at the top. He was well respected by most and feared by some. He always wore a poker face wherever he was. Nothing could phase this powerful being.

As he grew older, the government in Axium was weakening. It was only a matter of time before communists began to overthrow the politicians that controlled the land. They began to establish rule and the people of Axium threw themselves into a civil war. Everyone chose a side. Mark himself was a conservative, and he wanted to eleminate the communist leader, Jargantes Malloy. Jargantes was a powerful leader whose words could influence a monsterous amount of people. He also used his followers to his advantage with unbelievable force. Jargantes completed so much in such a short time that it seemed like he was unstopable.

The first battle that sparked the beginning of the war occured in the outer forests of Axium. Communist troops gathered to completely take over the city. Conservtives formed and made a small army to ambush the communist invasion force. The communists wore plain grey shirts and carried Walcom rifles. The convervatives wore grass green jackets and carried Maxwell rifles.

Mark, despite the fact that he was a great soldier, was following orders from his CO, Sergeant Morrison.

"You two, get that turret set up west of that boulder!" he barked.

"And Polaski," he pointed at Mark, "form a squad of four men and find a good spot to get a visual on the enemy!"

Mark nodded, ignoring the face that his Sergeant couldn't remember his name. Mark respected his Morrison, for he had been through so much in his time in service. He was probably the most unsung hero he had ever met. Following Morrison's orders, Mark pulled four men along with him. One of them was a buff polish soldier. His skin was as white as paper and a spray of freckles ran across his face. He had maroon hair and it was cut so short, it looked as if he was bald. Another one was a scrwany looking fellow, with brown eyes and he always looked afraid. He flinched constantly, and he didn't seem like the person that you would want protecting you. The other two people were twins, and they both had black hair and were asian. Mark had seen them practicing some forms of martial arts, and he knew they were good with guns. They would prove to be useful to him.

After finding a good spot where they could see the path in the forest, Mark prepared his weapons. He had 2 frag grenades, a Maxwell rifle, and a Raven pistol. He was ready for combat. Then after preparing his weapons, he heard marching. He knew it was the communists heading for the city. They marched in two single file lines leaving their flanks open. He waited until most of the invasion force past by before firing his first bullet.

The loud crack of his rifle sounded throughout the forest. Then, all hell broke loose. Mark's group and other groups of conservatives began firing their own rifles, sending a flurry of lead into the line of enemy troops. One by one, grey-suited soldiers fell. They didn't know where they were at first so they fired in all different directions. Stray bullets whizzed past Mark's head and hit one of the twins in his group in the leg. The twin went down and roared a loud groan of pain. Eventually, the communists figured out where the emplacements were, and began focusing their fire on the seperate group's locations. They raised their Walcom rifles and fired straight at another squad, taking down two unfortunate soldiers. A few grenades were tossed into the forest trees, knocking over a few of them. Explosions began to fill the ears of Mark, deafening him for a few moments. The remaining members of the weakened squad quickly relocated to prevent the lead from getting them too. The trees matched in perfectly with the conversative uniforms, which gave them the element of stealth. The communists couldn't find out where the hail of bullets were coming from. Blood began to cover the dirt path. The communists broke off from each other, running into seperate directions. They were expecting a weak amount of resistance which costed them. Bullet holes penetrated the once sturdy trees, leaving them crippled from the unforgiving event we call war. The scarlet red blood seeped on the path and the cheers of surviving conservatives echoed through the forest.

[Senvae]

This wasn't too bad, but you do need to work on your flow. Try to diversify the sentence structures to improve their efficiency and smooth out the package. I also have a few rules you should be aware of:

#1- Evade using numbers at all cost (55 vs fifty five), it breaks your reader's momentum and steers their eyes away from the text.
#2- By traditional English language rules, no sentence should begin with "and" or "and then" or "then". Technically, you shouldn't start sentences with "but" either, however most writers will stretch that one. Try to use "Furthermore", "however", "nevertheless" and etc. so not to sound so repetitive.
#3- Be vigilant and keep a keen eye on your present and past tenses. Do not mix them up in the same sentence. Most of the time past and present tenses can not be used together, I can't think of an example where it would be appropriate either. Just use your logic and re-read at least twice before posting the text.

I guess it comes down the big #1 advice I always give the new writers: Read more books

Books work miracles on your English.

The story seems to either go somewhere or put itself in a position to be developed further, so I would encourage you to write chapter 2. You can only improve by trying several times (like I did).

[Sarcor]

Wel Senvae pretty much has everything i said,but b4 his post, i thought your story was pretty good. =D Work work work.

[Ailysa]

Originally Posted by Senvae

#1- Evade using numbers at all cost (55 vs fifty five), it breaks your reader's momentum and steers their eyes away from the text.

Are you sure that no authors use numbers? Like if they said they found a $5 note on the floor - Hmmm...

Five dollar note vs. $5 note.

Yeah, you're probably right.

[Misuzu]

A few grammar errors.

[Experiment]

wow tht was real good