Elemental war Part 1

Revolver Ocelot · 12-03-2005, 10:08 AM

Elemental War Part 1
CopyRight:OMGWTF

"My heart pounding,gun in my hand,I felt scared." "I could hear the Machine guns firing rapidly and the war torn cries of my fellow soldiers." Shizima stepped out between the trees where he was hiding and tumbled behind a nearby barrell of gun powder. "I knew that I was in the battle of the Era of the Elemental War." Shizima could feel the footsteps coming towards the barrell where he was hiding and could taste the plain dust in his mouth as the low level soldier came closer.As soon as he saw the soldier's maxwell glisten in the sun,,Shizima reached into his coat pocket and drew out his Minic and fired,but missed.Luckily Shizima ducked as the bullet ricocheted from the wall into the soldier`s skull.The soldier's cries in pain alerted more nearby soldiers to go find out what was wrong.Shizima knew what he had to do to save his friends.
Suddenly Shizima jumped out with 2 minics and started firing to protect his fellow soldiers from the blood thirsty soldiers.He was now surrounded by 10 soldiers but he wasn't scared.Shizima layed his guns on the ground,but at a split second he kicked the gun back into his cold hands and layed a flash bang to blind the enemies while he hid with his soldiers.As he ran he saw innocent civilians being shot in the distance with the sorrowful cries of babies."These People are evil,killing innocent babies and civilians just to gain the control of the gods elementals." "I swear I will regain the elementals and hide them where they shall not be found!"
Shizima reached into his small,backpack and silently drew out his DevilSlayer.
Tears ran down his face as he rushed out with his sword in his hand ready to take on all the soldiers.Cries and screams could be heared as he charged.The soldiers fired there maxwell R30's as Shizima ran,but he blocked with some swift side to side movements of his legendary butterfly.Then when all the soldiers reloaded fired 10 single bullets in a 1 second burst taking down the evil soldiers.Sorrow,fear,hatred,Shizima felt after killing the soldiers,but he had to to save the innocent people.His eyes gazed upon the dead bodies of the soldiers.
"Help....Me" a soldier said,as these were his final breathes of life. Pools of blood glistened in the deserted town.His life was destined to bring peace to the battlefield he called Earth.
Ok my first fanfic chapter is done. Please rate and post suggestions to improve.

Hobo_Bobo · 12-03-2005, 08:11 PM

interesting...it's got a kickass idea but is hindered by some major grammatical errors. plus the big block of text is kinda easy to lose ur spot in.

overall pretty good though.

J-son Lok · 12-04-2005, 01:45 AM

Too much things stuck in one sentence.
But good description in very little thing happening, so I can get a clear picture in my mind.
Cool, just cool.

Azeroth · 12-04-2005, 03:47 AM

The plot is good, but you have pronoun-phobia. Also note how there is a space after a period. One or two spaces bothe work, it doesn't realy matter, so long as it's (note the pronoun) there.

Revolver Ocelot · 12-04-2005, 06:45 AM

Thank you for your ideas.I will write the second chapter soon,but will update the first chapter more.

OMGWTF · 01-14-2006, 09:38 AM

3 Days later after the incident in the deserted town,Shizima had finished honing his skills ready for the struggle he will have from now on.He knew that he had done a good deed from saving their innocent lives,but he wondered if he would be able to keep it up.Now here Shizima's journey begins once again....

Through the dusty winds of the cold day at his campfire,he could smell the burning coal from his training.He was already prepared with his now sharpened Devil Slayer and Revenger in his hand.His Revenger was a remodled version of the original Avenger except with with 2 extra clips and 2 extra shells in 1 Clip giving him more of an advantage.He had also tweaked the Recoil Bar for less recoil and faster Delay between shots making it even powerfuller.Ignoring the loud Gun Shots he began cleansing his soul using the Purifying water his dead GrandFather had given him,to rid the evil he had unleashed when he had killed all them soldiors.He knew it was a good deed,but he couldn't stop thinking about he guilty he felt,but that wasn`t going to stop him as he knew he must stop this chaos.Finally making the last few adjustments to his Revenger he sat up and began to holster his gun back into his silver belt,ready to endure an another long,perilous journey once again.

All was quiet as he left the warm camp he has stayed in.The Gun shots had stopped and all he could hear was his own soft, footsteps and his anxious breathing as he ventured forward.He could see his own cold breath gliding through the air waiting for anything to happen at any time."What was that?", said Shizima as he looked through this dark place of despair.In the hidden bushes he saw slight movements and shaking.Taking out his legendary minics he drew ready.Shaking the bush a young, tall lady stepped out,shaking. "Whaa What do you want wit with me!?" said the lady."I am here to protect people like you from the deadly Chaos and greedyness of these evil soldiors and there evil alliance." The lady burst out in tears,relieved that it wasn't a soldior and that someone was here to protect her from the soldiors.After Shizima comforted her,she began to walk away to find a hiding place while Shizima ventured into the soldiors camp.He knew next what he had to do.....

Through the distance he noticed heavily armoured Snipers, and pistol marksmen guarding the main gate to the camp.He knew they would be accurate,because the last soldiors he defeated were the weakest rank of there alliance.Shizima had to be careful as his armour wasn't fully repaired from the last battle he had with them and so had to try and sneak in.If he was caught he would of had to resort to a vicious gun battle.Silently he crept to the southside of the wall at an opening into the front of the main gate.He stood there,heart pounding ready for a guard to walk through so Shizima could kill him,hide his body and then wear there clothes to disguise himself.A major walked through to guard the out side area.Shizima jumped out and silently slit his throat with his,golden combat knife to keep the noise down.Shizima dragged his body to a near by tree so that the lifeless body wouldn't be spotted.He put on the major's clothes.He hoped this would get him through the gates,but he was wrong....

This one here is a follow up to the massive Gun Battle in the next chapter...

Enjoy

12-03-2005, 08:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
Hobo_Bobo Gunzfactorian Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Lost somewhere Posts: 183	interesting...it's got a kickass idea but is hindered by some major grammatical errors. plus the big block of text is kinda easy to lose ur spot in. overall pretty good though. __________________ IGN: Alter-Ego Knowledge pursues me but I am faster. Help support me! It's free! Just click the link below...plzzzz... Support Me Plz! \| My DeviantArt \| The Dead Awaken! \| Urban Dead! Join the resistance!

01-14-2006, 09:38 AM	#6 (permalink)
OMGWTF Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 56	3 Days later after the incident in the deserted town,Shizima had finished honing his skills ready for the struggle he will have from now on.He knew that he had done a good deed from saving their innocent lives,but he wondered if he would be able to keep it up.Now here Shizima's journey begins once again.... Through the dusty winds of the cold day at his campfire,he could smell the burning coal from his training.He was already prepared with his now sharpened Devil Slayer and Revenger in his hand.His Revenger was a remodled version of the original Avenger except with with 2 extra clips and 2 extra shells in 1 Clip giving him more of an advantage.He had also tweaked the Recoil Bar for less recoil and faster Delay between shots making it even powerfuller.Ignoring the loud Gun Shots he began cleansing his soul using the Purifying water his dead GrandFather had given him,to rid the evil he had unleashed when he had killed all them soldiors.He knew it was a good deed,but he couldn't stop thinking about he guilty he felt,but that wasn`t going to stop him as he knew he must stop this chaos.Finally making the last few adjustments to his Revenger he sat up and began to holster his gun back into his silver belt,ready to endure an another long,perilous journey once again. All was quiet as he left the warm camp he has stayed in.The Gun shots had stopped and all he could hear was his own soft, footsteps and his anxious breathing as he ventured forward.He could see his own cold breath gliding through the air waiting for anything to happen at any time."What was that?", said Shizima as he looked through this dark place of despair.In the hidden bushes he saw slight movements and shaking.Taking out his legendary minics he drew ready.Shaking the bush a young, tall lady stepped out,shaking. "Whaa What do you want wit with me!?" said the lady."I am here to protect people like you from the deadly Chaos and greedyness of these evil soldiors and there evil alliance." The lady burst out in tears,relieved that it wasn't a soldior and that someone was here to protect her from the soldiors.After Shizima comforted her,she began to walk away to find a hiding place while Shizima ventured into the soldiors camp.He knew next what he had to do..... Through the distance he noticed heavily armoured Snipers, and pistol marksmen guarding the main gate to the camp.He knew they would be accurate,because the last soldiors he defeated were the weakest rank of there alliance.Shizima had to be careful as his armour wasn't fully repaired from the last battle he had with them and so had to try and sneak in.If he was caught he would of had to resort to a vicious gun battle.Silently he crept to the southside of the wall at an opening into the front of the main gate.He stood there,heart pounding ready for a guard to walk through so Shizima could kill him,hide his body and then wear there clothes to disguise himself.A major walked through to guard the out side area.Shizima jumped out and silently slit his throat with his,golden combat knife to keep the noise down.Shizima dragged his body to a near by tree so that the lifeless body wouldn't be spotted.He put on the major's clothes.He hoped this would get him through the gates,but he was wrong.... This one here is a follow up to the massive Gun Battle in the next chapter... Enjoy __________________ Teh 1337 Hax0r OMGWTF (Creator of OMGWTF Gunz runnable)

12-04-2005, 01:45 AM	#3 (permalink)
J-son Lok Gunzfactor Fan Artist Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 114	Too much things stuck in one sentence. But good description in very little thing happening, so I can get a clear picture in my mind. Cool, just cool.