Sovereign Transgression

[guobin2]

Note: A story set in the normal GunZ timeline.
The Baron was dying. He lay still and motionless, swathed in innumberable folds of the smoothest, silkiest cloth, itself bedewed with the tiny beads of his sweat. His skin was of a pale gray, with tinges of green about his eyes and mouth. His hair was a stark, disturbing whiteness, which seemed to impart some unearthly glow to the darkened room he called his kingly abode. His nails and teeth, in sharp contrast, were jet black, revoltingly cracked and worn. Bluish veins bulged all over his body, snaking their way insidiously beneath the greyish skin. Ragged breaths issued from his mouth as he lay there, a montrosity ill befitting the royal fittings of his chamber, desparately fighting for life. His eyes had gone through some sort of inversion in color, leaving his pupils a gleaming, pearly white while the rest grew to resemble a horrid darkness. One hand clawed the air before him, while the other grasped his chest so hard the brittle nails snapped.

Ramitz had, on his personal request, imbued him with the power to control the minds and souls of the populace, but obviously, the aftereffects weren't part of the contract.

The massive, silvery doors of his chamber swung open noiselessy, its hinges perfectly oiled. A man of much higher stature than the dying king stepped in, his footfall as light as a panther's. He wore a cloak of the deepest black, with the royal coat of arms imprinted upon its back in some faded, red color, such that it seemed of immense age. A sword of some kind, curved and guilded in silver, hung loosely in a belt around his waist, which clinked as he kneeled before the king.

"MY SON... BRING HIM TO ME," issued the king in a low, gutteral voice, akin to rust sliding upon rust. Suddenly, seized by violent convulsions, the king writhed and squirmed in unbearable agony, sending bold rivulets of black blood across the ceiling and the nearest wall.

The man, with his wild hair and inscrutable expression, only bowed and made his way out.

[Sarcor]

This is good if your gonna make a sequel

[controls]

I'm trying to look for errors but I couldn't find any. It's that good. >__>

+rep

[Admiral]

Well done. There is one thing that bugs me slightly, but it's minor. Why are you so descriptive with the one character (the baron) and hardly descriptive at all with the second?

[controls]

Makes him enigmatic, I suppose.

[Nosedagger]

Ew. So blooooooooooooooooooody

[guobin2]

Hee Hee Hee.

[Dakantos]

Originally Posted by guobin2

Note: A story set in the normal GunZ timeline.
The Baron was dying. He lay still and motionless, swathed in innumberable folds of the smoothest, silkiest cloth, itself bedewed with the tiny beads of his sweat. His skin was of a pale gray, with tinges of green about his eyes and mouth. His hair was a stark, disturbing whiteness,

Dakantos' Insert: Adjective. You need a noun here instead.

which seemed to impart some unearthly glow to the darkened room he called his kingly abode. His nails and teeth, in sharp contrast, were jet black, revoltingly cracked and worn. Bluish veins bulged all over his body, snaking their way insidiously beneath the greyish

Dakantos' Insert: Ashen skin or (adjective) pallor would be more suited here.

skin. Ragged breaths issued from his mouth as he lay there, a montrosity ill befitting the royal fittings of his chamber, desparately


Dakantos' Insert: Desperately

fighting for life. His eyes had gone through some sort of inversion in color, leaving his pupils a gleaming, pearly white while the rest grew to resemble a horrid darkness. One hand clawed the air before him, while the other grasped his chest so hard the brittle nails snapped.

Ramitz had, on his personal request, imbued him with the power to control the minds and souls of the populace, but obviously, the aftereffects weren't part of the contract.

The massive, silvery doors of his chamber swung open noiselessly, its hinges perfectly oiled. A man of much higher stature than the dying king stepped in, his footfall as light as a panther's. He wore a cloak of the deepest black, with the royal coat of arms imprinted upon its back in some faded, red color, such that it seemed of immense age. A sword of some kind, curved and guilded in silver, hung loosely in a belt around his waist, which clinked as he kneeled before the king.

"MY SON... BRING HIM TO ME," issued

Dakantos' Insert: Great choice here, but seeing as he is dying a more passive tone comming from him instead of authoritative would be better. After all, how much respect would one have for a dying evil man?

the king in a low, gutteral voice, akin to rust sliding upon rust.

Dakantos' insert: Rust sliding on Rust? Never use the same noun in a simile. It's a comparison, you can't compare the same thing.

Suddenly, seized by violent convulsions, the king writhed and squirmed

Dakantos' Insert: Contorted. Wonderful word to describe the feeling you are wanting to express here. Contorted means "To be twisted, as in rage or extreme pain. Distorted. "The kings face was contorted beyond recognition from the utter agony of his injuries. " The sentence would be better if you replaced " and squirmed" with "violently".

in unbearable agony, sending bold rivulets of black blood across

Dakantos' Insert: A verb is better suited here than "across". Perhaps sailing, or " trickling down the ceiling and the nearest wall." Or something similar. "Sailing across the room, a few drops landing on the gentlemans polished boots" etc.

the ceiling and the nearest wall.

The man, with his wild hair and inscrutable expression, only bowed and made his way out.

Excellent work, just a few tips from old writer. You refer to him as "baron" then "king" A baron is around the same ranking as a duke, but a littler higher. Make sure you refer to him as either baron OR king, but not both, as the ranks are not similar.

Very nice vocabulary you have there, great sentence structure as well.(<--- hardest thing to master, seriously, superb structuring, kudos to you)

I love how you use the words to paint a picture of the story, rather than tell the story.

+rep for you sir, keep it rolling.

[Nosedagger]

The King's name is Baron, strangely.

[guobin2]

Thanks for the feedback (:

Aye, I did get abit muddled up about the Baron there, seeing as his name is Baron. Whoops haha. But point taken, and good point at that.
I'm not sure as to how I'm going to continue this story, though. I'll see when inspiration strikes me.

[Dakantos]

Originally Posted by Nosedigger

The King's name is Baron, strangely.

then why use "The Baron" instead of just Baron?

And np man, It's pretty good writing so I hope you churn out some more.

[Experiment]

cool story u should write more

[queendiablo]

cool banner u should make some more

[Experiment]

lmao i would if i could

[queendiablo]

lmao you can, you're just lazy