Thanks for the feedback, Vonterul.
I'll try to answer your questions as coherently as possible.
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Originally Posted by Vonterul It killed the story for me. I just can't get myself to understand or believe that Jennifer would fall in love so easily, buy his lie AND trust him enough to reveal her darkest secret. It doesn't make sense. There's no character development detailed enough to explain why, in such a short period of time, she would fall so, soooo madly in love with him to do that. I mean, sure, love at first sight. Possible. Joneth is a charismatic guy? Okay. But this? Far fetched. It even sounds like you needed a filler or a reason to progress the story and decided upon this one. It's something having a naive character, but to fall in love and tell a total stranger such a secret in two days' worth of time just doesn't seem plausible to me. |
I can understand the problems you have with this particular scene. I know it's rather fast-paced and lacks credibility, but I needed a way out of the romance scene with Jennifer.
Aside from that, Joneth is a natural charmer, and Jennifer is easily charmed. She may not even have considered that what she was feeling wasn't love. Her usual hangout (geeks, nerds) also isn't a very charming group. Quite possibly, anyone could've made her fall in love with him.
I see that I haven't made that very clear in the story. I don't usually delve into sidestory characters much more than necessary. I'll have to work on that.
As for the spelling errors, I have no real excuse. These chapters are written in a 30-50 minute period of time, often hastily and late at night. Inconsistencies, spelling and grammatical errors are bound to occur. I usually don't even re-read the thing before posting it, so the chance of spelling errors are quite large.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback. Also, thanks for the PM. I haven't taken a real good look at it yet, but it looks like it could definitely be useful.