 Re: Stories of Axium
Alright, not a bad read. There are a few areas to improve though. First you try and throw too many precise details into the same sentences. Take your time to write, describe with ease and a flow of eloquence. Not only does this read smoother, but it also serves to add depth to the story. Also, I usually avoid using semi columns in proses. Most of the time its better to make two sentences and re-work them each.
Last but not least. It is very important that you select a point of view and stick to it. Right at the end of this story the POV jumped from the boy to Valgus. I know you were trying to give his thoughts to the readers, but it would've built better atmosphere to let the boy feel fear and awe by his presence. Afterwards you can start a new chapter or use a division in the text so you can jump to Valgus' POV.
Just my opinion, don't get discouraged, keep writing. You have a lot of potential. |