Just something i wanted to try.

**Thundawave** · 05-16-2010 08:19 PM

Just something i wanted to write, I might continue if people want me to.

BlitzKrieg: Chosen Theory - A Piece of chapter 3(Just a random chapter)

It was 32 Degrees outside..It was only the month of October and it was starting to freeze up. Roy was starting outside the window, Its land of waste kept making him see an image in his mind. The image of a Demon & Angel Battling took his mind off his lunch. The Demon had a black sword with a Red Gash going down the sword. The Angel was wearing Red, Was he an ArcAngel but a good one?. The question had taken over his mind. Roy started to slowly fade in back to his Lunch Period, He faded in 100 percent Once Craig - One of the jocks threw a chicken nugget at his head.

"HEY FAGGOT!,STILL BEING A LOSER OVER THERE?" Craig and his crew laughed.Roy had knocked the nugget off the lunch table.."God damn idiot.." Roy had muttered to himself, Ashlei had put her hand on Roy's Arm "Don't let it get to you, He has to show his dominance some kind of way". Roy Had let down his hair"Well..One day im gunna put this jackoff in his place". Suddenly Craig threw a apple at Roy. "BULLSEYE!" Craig and his crew laughed once again. "Thats it.." Roy got up, Walked over to craig's table. "Dude what the **** is Your problem?". Craig got up "My problem is You god damn Nerds always taking up our Lunchroom". All eyes were on these two. Roy had tied his hair up in a ponytail again, "Well..if you got a problem deal with it yourself you..jackass". Craig had proceeded to get angry, He took off his letterman's jacket. "What did you say pussy?" Roy had rolled up the sleeves of his long sleeved T-Shirt. "I said..Deal with it your self.." Roy slapped Craig. "Jackass".

and thats about t.

**Senvae** · 05-18-2010 08:00 PM

I'd hate to be the one to announce this but this section of the forum is pretty dead right now. You won't find much excitement in here.

I used to read all the new stuff in here and give detailed descriptions on how to improve their writing style, so I'll give you a few hints too since I bothered to check up on it.

Advice #1- Try to stay from repetitions in order to keep an easier and more fluid sentence structure. Basically it makes reading the text more enjoyable. Here are some examples of how they could be changed to improve the style. I won't redo the whole text, just throw in some suggestions to replace a doubling word.

Roy was starting outside the window, Its land of waste kept making him see an image in his mind. The image of a Demon & Angel Battling took his mind off his lunch.

Let's try to make this fluid by removing the repetitions of "Image" and "mind".

Roy was starting outside the window, the wasteland beyond drew visions in his mind. The images of a Demon & Angel battling took his mind off his lunch.

You had a few more like this one throughout the text. Try to find them and correct them

!

Advice #2- You seem to love capitalizing words, perhaps you should revise the rules of capitalization. You can use a capital letter at the beginning of every sentence, or while writing a name, be it a location, person, specific thing (like a language: English, French, German).

Start by applying these two suggestions through your next text. If I see it in this section I won't mind helping you again.

**Thundawave** · 05-18-2010 11:46 PM

hey thanks man.

when i start writing ill put more of those usage into the ol thinker.

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